I want to cry it is currently 12:00 and I need sleep but I need to finish my homework and I can't. I am a failure and a disappointment to my family. I just did three depression tests and I got moderately severe depression. It said tell your parents immediately. To be honest most of the questions on the tests were really relatable.

Im not going to live much longer. Im broken, im disgusting, filthy, stupid fucking ugly whore. I was broken from the start, the universe hates me and somehow i deserve it, I know i do. Im not a person, and i never was. I never will be, no matter how hard i try. Ill never function like everyone else. Ill never look like a woman should. Ill never be truly loved, just kept around for what i can provide until im useless, and then left without a second thought. I need to kill myself. Ive known it since i was 7, and now im a fucking pathetic 23 year old. I wasnt made to last. I was made to suffer, and fizzle out. It’s my fate, its out of my hands. Its what the world wants from me, and im so fucking tired of fighting it. I spent so long in a cage, ive become the cage and i cant escape it. Its so dark, and im so tired, and im so scared. Im so tired of fighting. I give up. The universe wins. I love life, but i was never meant to live.

Usually I rant about things that are more negative. But right now? My stress is slipping away. when I'm writing these specific words I have 13 hours and 15 minutes until I see my boyfriend. And oh my DAYS I cant WAIT! I baked him carrot cake cupcakes for Easter, but I don't even know if he likes carrot cake so now I'm scared.. but its okay. Im writing an important letter because I screwed up, but this is the same person who comforts me at the slightest things, holds my hand and gives me gifts for no reason, he makes me HAPPY. IM WRITING A BOOK BASED OFF OF US! I love him, and he's honestly the only person I would trust to apologize and explain to without doubting his loyalty. I just want to get to school early so I can run to him. I just want to see him. I've had crushes, but this is different. Im in love for the first time. I feel safe and free. I cant explain it with the room I have. But its surreal and amazing and all I want is to see him, to have him with me.