I'm closeted bisexual and bigender because I have homphobic parents and I have an ex because our parents found out about us and they discourage dating at my age but I want to be with him again but he put me in the friend zone and I have depression and I just want to die but I can't because my friend says she'll kill herself if I do so and I'm scared about what'll happen if I kms, I don't have privacy, I don't even have my own device. I don't have any source of happiness. Maybe temporary sources are my friends and my friends are like my world. I'm scared of talking to people but I want to. I'm scared people will judge me and I hate everything about myself. I think I have body dysmorphia but don't know.

Im not going to live much longer. Im broken, im disgusting, filthy, stupid fucking ugly whore. I was broken from the start, the universe hates me and somehow i deserve it, I know i do. Im not a person, and i never was. I never will be, no matter how hard i try. Ill never function like everyone else. Ill never look like a woman should. Ill never be truly loved, just kept around for what i can provide until im useless, and then left without a second thought. I need to kill myself. Ive known it since i was 7, and now im a fucking pathetic 23 year old. I wasnt made to last. I was made to suffer, and fizzle out. It’s my fate, its out of my hands. Its what the world wants from me, and im so fucking tired of fighting it. I spent so long in a cage, ive become the cage and i cant escape it. Its so dark, and im so tired, and im so scared. Im so tired of fighting. I give up. The universe wins. I love life, but i was never meant to live.

Usually I rant about things that are more negative. But right now? My stress is slipping away. when I'm writing these specific words I have 13 hours and 15 minutes until I see my boyfriend. And oh my DAYS I cant WAIT! I baked him carrot cake cupcakes for Easter, but I don't even know if he likes carrot cake so now I'm scared.. but its okay. Im writing an important letter because I screwed up, but this is the same person who comforts me at the slightest things, holds my hand and gives me gifts for no reason, he makes me HAPPY. IM WRITING A BOOK BASED OFF OF US! I love him, and he's honestly the only person I would trust to apologize and explain to without doubting his loyalty. I just want to get to school early so I can run to him. I just want to see him. I've had crushes, but this is different. Im in love for the first time. I feel safe and free. I cant explain it with the room I have. But its surreal and amazing and all I want is to see him, to have him with me.