All Rants

i hate myself so much. i hate my body so i dont eat and throw up. i hate myself even more for that then i cut. i just keep doing it and i dont know why. i wasnt raped. i have two loving parents. but i still cant stop feeling sad. i dont know what im doing anymore. i just feel helpless and weak.

They're gonna send me to the mental hospital again. Just because I wanna kill myself. WHY WONT ANYONE LET ME DIE? What's wrong with me. I've been suffering for so long. I've tried everything. Haven't I given enough?

I want friends. Good ones. That was my only wish my whole life. But my parents dont allow me. People think I suck because I dont have tiktok or any social media platform. I dont wanna be the daughter of engineers. I dont wanna spend my whole life devoted to studies. I js want friends. People who will cherish me and I will cherish them. Considering how alot of people have it alot worse than wtv is this. I feel like its weighting on me heavily.

I do not know what I am doing with my life. Seriously, all I do is think about the past, some errors I did in my past where I'm so ashamed to tell to anyone and afraid of people finding out how I was and then I feel they would abandon me. I feel like a monster and some days I feel like I'm irredeemable and deserve to die. I fantasize about being born more mature and with a different body, but I get an empty feeling when I know I'm in the present and can't do anything about my past. I really don't have any hopes for the future right now, and I feel so disconnected I don't feel like I can tell anyone about this. I feel I've become less sensible but at the same time more sensible. Every night I go with the hope of waking up and being born again. I try to be better, I still make mistakes, and I try to carry on, but I feel like I'm going to explode one of these days. I feel I'm pathetic.

first day of high school i can't do this anymore i barely tolerated living when I was on vacation and yall expect me to do this shit

my old alarm clock is driving me insane and I don't know why. I have this alarm clock that i used to use to get up for school, now I just use my phone alarm. But recently for some reason I can't stop thinking of the tune it plays when it goes off and every time I do I start to get anxious and have sort of a panicked feeling and I don't know why. Now I think about almost all the time leading to me feeling extremely anxious and overwhelmed. I think it might have something to do with school starting soon since that's what associate that sound with, but I'm not really sure and I'm now realizing this sounds really stupid when write it out.

i feel so bad for the people i left after making 2 friends online. i just dont want an online presence anymore but i feel terrible because i feel like i mislead them. i wanted friends too but then i just left, what is wrong with me? i left them both a goodbye message before i got rid of my account, but that still feels scummy. there was a connection, but i just couldnt be there and i feel so terrible for doing this too them. i truly hope they find good friends. i dont think i can ever make meaningful connections if this is just what im going to do. it is what it is for me i guess but for them i just feel so terrible. i apologized buts not enough. im so sorry

I met a misandrist the other day. She just came up to me and called me a shit and a stupid brown man (it was something along those lines). I'm like 16 btw. This, and it being in public. I don't know why, but it REALLY affected me. Anyway, hope whoever's reading this doesn't go through anything like this. BYE

i hate being alive fr fr, i want this to be over for real

i really don't know. my bf is great but he's so less affectionate compared to me that it sometimes bothers me. like i know it doesn't really matter, but he will rarely be affectionate with me. maybe like 10% of the time, and i feel bad for wanting to be affectionate i guess. and i know it has a lot to do with his childhood, but it makes me kind of sad. then i let it pass, and then it feel bad again, but idk how to talk to him about it cause i feel like i cant cause i dont want him to feel bad. idk and we just had an anniversary and idk he said we weren't going to do much for it and to not buy him anything and i didn't., just made him a card but bought our dinner., .idk just wanted to get it out., i appreciate him but i want more emotional vulnerability i guess.

My mental health was really bad but then it got better and now it’s getting worse bc of my cousin

My cousin makes me wish I was never born

I didn't sh in 3 months,i want to do it soo bad but it's summer and short sleeves what stopping me😭i still have marks from about 2 years ago though That's so ridiculous and embarrassing but anywayy

vent I get so fucking lonely sometimes. I have so many people that care about me in my life but i’m selfish so it doesn’t feel like enough. I feel happy because my meds force me to but deep down I know my real emotions are just sinking deep in my stomach where I can feel them but I can’t reach them. I can’t find that same fulfilling feeling that I had when I was with her. I can’t find someone that understands me as well as she did. I know I can’t get back together with her because that would do more harm than good to both of us. every time I try to find a new relationship it just fails because once I step out of my comfort zone people always realize that i’m not right for them. I don’t even know if I want to find someone new. it’ll end someday. I always say that the heartbreak was worth the memories but I think I might just be lying to myself. if I didn’t know what I was missing maybe I wouldn’t feel like this.

I need some help rn, Im in a long distance relationship with my lovely boyfriend of almost a year. But, hes extremely emotionally attached to the point where he cant go two minutes without an "i miss you" text. At first it seems sweet, but after months, it gets to be a lot. He is autistic and isnt very good with social cues, but ive tried to tell him and it doesn't seem to work. Ive told him that its beginning to become unhealthy how attached he is, but he seems to completely disregard that. I love him to death but the affection bombing is WAY too much for me. His filler words are literally, "your pretty" and "i love you", again, it seems sweet but it gets to a point. His entire vocabulary seems to just be affection. He says that im the only reason hes happy, and that puts a lot of pressure on me, so confronting him is really scary to me, because if i upset him, i might do serious damage. Pls send notes with any advice. <3

For some reason, the thought that i would die someday randomly came into my head. I dont want to die, i dont want to get older. Why do we exist if our life is temporary? It would be best if we lived forever and could just click a button when we wanted to die why cant it be like this. The worst thing is that i dont even know if im actualy feeling this way, if im doing it for attention or if im feeling like im doing for attention and its a loop of torment i dont even know if i am going through. I want to talk out loud but my best friend the only person i can talk this openly to is not currantly avalable and i hold too many secrets from my parents to let them know

Having your mental illness thrown in your face for nothing makes everything so much harder. I cook, clean, care for kids everyday and have no outlet for all this anger I have. My BPD makes my emotions drastic but man I’ve hid my thoughts and feelings for years, kept my emotions in check and lose control when no one’s around. Anytime I show something other than happiness my spouse says not to let my BPD get me “oh no your finna have an episode *laughs*” BRO FUCKING HELP ME so i wont crash tf out. My kids don’t get to me but the expectations of me just happy all the time do. I’m one person and I can’t do everything by myself.

i hate this so much. i have 5 other siblings who are constantly touching me my stuff and everything and breaking everything and my parents are so blind to it. when something breaks its my fault. my dad to my face tells me my little sister is the fav. i cant do anything without them having to come. i cant even leave the house because of them.

I have been trying so hard to convince my parents to let me get a short haircut, and my dad had to ruin it again. I was finally gonna get it, but he ruined it like he always does. I hate him so much. And it doesn’t help that he’s fucking transphobic. I was so excited, now I’m sitting on the bathroom floor crying. He doesn’t care about me, I could die for all he cares. He ruined my life and he couldn’t just let me have this one small moment. My mental health is shit and I can’t do this anymore. I’m just so fucking sick and tired of trying when I fail every single time.

the more I try to run from the darkness, the more it follows me so the question remains, do I keep on running or allow it to catch me ?