All Rants

I have a friend group that I don't really think likes me that much. I play D&D with this group and I've noticed that all of them only target and make fun of my character and ignore when any of my character's lore is brought up, which is fine! My character is not a direct representation of me!!! But now I have noticed that even in oneshots only my character is targeted. I think its just odd that you happen to try to only make fun of my character in the campaign and call them fictional racial slurs and later on in a different oneshot push my character out of her wheelchair. Obviously I'm not taking this all to heart but man I'm sensing a patter. It doesn't help that whenever we all play jackbox they turn into that Justin Bieber diss track (I'm justin bieber and then I want to die on the floor). And honestly if I had a penny for every time I left a session wishing I was dead I would have enough money to leave that D&D group and pay Mathew Mercer himself to DM for me personally.

im @ ur bark nd collar js 4get im some1s daughter // take my phone ns dont be sweet let the world no im ur meat. i 💜 u femtanyl ur songs r so hypersexuality core

RE: animalsinmyhead Thank you for your kind message. I appreciate you opening up to me and sharing your experiences. It feels good to know that there is hope, and I'm glad you found that. For context, I'm 25. I mentioned rasing his child as it's my stepson. He came from a one night stand before I met my partner. I've never cheated however my partner has virtually. (Paying for porn, chatting with girls online etc) and we have been trying to move on from this. When things are good, they're really good but there can be a lot of tension in between. When I opened up about being sexually assaulted by his friend when I was 16, I think that was the biggest rift we had. It took us a few months before things felt normal again but then more things just keep coming up. I work two jobs, care for my disabled mother who I have a rough relationship with, and it never feels like I do enough. I'm currently unmedicated for ADHD (6 months waiting list) which is probs why he calls me erratic.

finally thought i had a like minded equally traumatized person to talk to until he said he was "the opposite of me" as in he is attracted to his own kids and did stuff to them. i collected screenshots to report his account to cybertipline. i feel so fucking disgusted and can't stop crying

i cant wait to die. i cant wait to die. i cant wait to die. when will i die? when will it end? when will the part where im suppose to be ok happen? im not fine at all. relapsing is a shitty thing, i hate reverting to old habits yet here we are. i hate myself so much, how the fuck am i suppose to balance my social life, my education, and my mental health? it's deteriorating at such a fast pace. isn't that lovely, and to top it all off, i haven't even reach adulthood yet haha! i haven't even been enjoying my highschool years let alone college. i barely remember anything because my memory's been a blur as of late. haha i cant wait to heal and recover. wouldnt that make me better? yet how can i ever become better if i keep slipping back to the same rabbit hole over and over again? i cant wait to cut off all my friends, my family, and become an entirely different person. a factory restart, a do over, a new chapter in life where no one knows me. oh, i'd be so happy, extremely happy.

Depressed Pan here! While reading one of the two private messages I got, I saw a guy named Jack's message. I would like to tell you thank you.

I'm uncomfortable when other people vent to me. I'm not tryna be a asshole or anything, but it makes me feel weird. Due to me being quiet, a lot of adults have vented to me out of nowhere, maybe they wanted to relate to me or just pity me but it didn't feel like it. I'm 16 btw. I was 13 when an adult in school had told me his brother killed themselves n he lost all his family. In that moment, I didn't know what to do or say. He approached me bc I was alone on a bench. Another time, a girl my age vented to me. She had randomly hugged me n was pretty touchy on the 1st day, she then told me about her mother being absent. I bluntly told her I don't like ppl venting to me. It was harsh. Then, a older girl told me she had hallucinations n cut herself. I was 10 at the time. It felt weird since all those times I've been seen alone, all this would happen when we 1st met. I am being a hypocrite since I'm venting, but I'm not asking anyone to see this. You can ignore it and I'll live.

thank you to your reply on the affects of SA vs rape, I know all trauma has the chance of impacting a brain the same way but I was curious if there was any concrete evidence or generally accepted belief that a violent or humiliating SA or prolonged grooming or acts of incest USUALLY impacts a victim at the same level as rape, because to me it still feels awful and i have dreams and memories of being raped that never happened and it feels so visceral, and because one was also painful and has caused lasting internal pain and scarring idk im sorry i know this is such a stupid specific issue i just have constant dreams of being raped since i was 12 and they all feel so real and i wake up either with my body responding to it or realize i have actually wet the bed, and i just hate myself so much and it all just feels so unwarranted like i am just being a big crybaby. esp because apparently i dont have PTSD or CPTSD and therapists just get awkward when i bring it up :( animalsinmyhead

Depressed Pan here! Please send me messages!! I've been getting little support when I say that I want to kill myself. People were being homophobic and telling me to kill myself. Does anybody even care? I'm coming check back here in like 30 minutes. Depressed Pan out!

Is it alright for me to be mad at my friend? They had a conversation w/me about getting new clothes, shoes, and jackets. Normal, right? But they mentioned they need to get new outfits every school year. It made me feel.. irritated. They said they're afraid of wearing the same clothes every day, and then I thought of me. I wear the same pants and cycle out between 10 shirts. I decided to ask why they needed more when they have a variety of clothes. They said they didn't and wanted more. I didn't push until they said they did different shoes as well. My shoes are dirty and I only have one pair, they have 5 different pairs. They proceeded to ask me, "What are you gonna get?" It was a harmless question and such a small thing, but it made me feel pathetic. I can't get new outfits every year. I felt jealous. I know I shouldn't compare and assume their life is so nice, but in the moment I felt envy.

i drunkenly told one of my close friends i still had feelings for him. he has a girlfriend and i called him at 1am. drunk and crying. telling him i know we don't talk about it anymore but i didn't had feelings. i told him i didn't want to feel like this anymore and that asked if he ever even liked me. but i shut his answer down. i told him not to tell me in the morning. when i called the next day he asked if i remembered anything, i lied and he kept his promise. i know he's acting different but i can't ask without revealing i lied. my heart still hurts from the rejection, from knowing that all i'll ever be is his best friend and he'll never return my feelings. we keep living with this thing we don't talk about and it's hurting me. i don't want it to hurt anymore.

Sure, I can pay for help, but it's not the same as being friends. I'm too old to restart with other people and doing things online sucks.

Idk how to start this off but I've been harming myself. At least I think I am? When I'm nervous I tend to scratch myself to the point my skin comes off and bleeds. Ive done this to my neck, arms, hands, and chest. Crazy thing is, Ive clearly told my guardians, yet instead of helping, they get mad at me. "People will think ur suicidal!" "You need to get over your fear." "Stop being so sensitive." This all is I've heard. I'm not trying to hurt myself for any attention, and I'm not doing it on purpose. It's in the moment kinda thing. Anyway, you'd think as guardians they'd help you, but not in my case. After all, my sibling publicly said to them how they tried to kill themselves, my guardian simply said, "If I go over there than I'll slap them." Which is crazy 'cause I thought you cared for them. It was then I realized that my guardian won't help any of us, but instead get mad. I believe they think getting mad at us will fix us. Obviously not as nothing as changed.

i've been living with this feeling of being so undeniably unlovable and unwanted. i've always had bad anxiety and fears that people in my life don't actually like me. that if i stop reaching out they wouldn't bother checking in on me or that i'm just easily replicable. factor in now, i confessed feelings to someone i'm close with. he and i had originally planned on hooking up and i had started to develop feelings for him as we kept talking. turns out he was seeing another girl, he said he had feelings for her and now he's dating her. he called me all the time, at work, on his days off. we played games together just for him to say a girl he'd see once or twice a week was who he wanted. he's dating her now and i confessed because i couldn't keep living with this feeling. now it's something we don't talk about. but all i think about is that this is somehow who enjoyed being my friend but didn't deam me enough to like. to love. and i still talk to him daily and it hurts.

I'm so fucking angry with myself all of the time. I survived domestic abuse, being Sexually assaulted by 4 different men from the age of 5 until 18, 2 suicide attempts, handled every shitty thing life had to throw at me. I dealt with it all on my own with no support work. Then I meet the most amazing person 4 years ago, build a life with him, buy a home, raise his child, just to go and mess it all up again. I don't earn enough money, I don't work hard enough. I'm too 'erratic' because of ADHD. I'm too 'dramatic and emotional'. I'm too much but not enough. I just don't see the point anymore. I can't go a day without someone being mad at me and I can't escape this overwhelming dread that I will never make it. I wouldn't say I plan to end my life, but I definitely am not going to try and save it. I do so much work to upbeat, to always have a smile. I feel like I've carved so much of myself away whilst everything else has been stolen from me. Just let me disappear.

Lately I've been feeling like shit. I'm currently 16 and entering junior year, yet I still don't know what to do. I'm not particularly good at anything, and frankly, I'm quite the crybaby. More like I'm very sensitive to change and such. Anyway, growing up in this world is hard. I have a hard time going to school because of my anxiety, a schedule change is enough to put me to tears. Having to get comfortable all over again is hard for me, and I hate being that pathetic. Even the counselors look at me like I'm such a burden, I guess I understand though. I do overthink, and while I don't cry a lot, I cry and panic when changes like this happen and that's enough to be considered a lot. Im aware this is pathetic, and it makes me seem weak. I want to be better, I tell myself I won't cry this time. That never lasts though. I have a lot more to say but due to the words limit, this is all I have for right now.

come and watch the kid with steadily declining mental health and laugh at him as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself

Depressed Pan here! VentScape does not involve using an account, you cannot have any pics on there! Just so everyone knows!!

its okay, its okay, its okay, youre okay, youve lived a million years, youll make it through the day, in the sun, and the rain, and the mud, and the clay, youve lived a million years, now look ahead to better days ✨🪨☺️🐾💕🌈

Depressed Pan here! The only ways I can kill myself is choking my using my hands or starving myself. Which would take so much time! Also, if you would like to chat with me in a public venting chat, I am normally in VentSpace, my username is Pansexual Baddie<3 I will be in chat room 2, I will join in a few minutes, so you may go wait for me. Depressed Pan out!