All Rants

I'm about to turn 21 and I feel like a failure. I'm currently 20 and I turn 21 in a couple weeks. This summer I finally decided to start getting my driver's license but I failed the behind the wheel test today and I feel so ashamed of myself for it. It makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I graduate college this year and I can't drive, I'm unemployed, I have zero research or internship experience, and I'm depressed with clinical anxiety. I feel so useless sometimes. I get scared easily and even doing small tasks like looking for therapy feels stressful and overwhelming at times. I feel like I've achieved so little with my life. I'm a total crybaby and I feel like I'm not strong enough to make my life better. I don't really know what to do. It's hard for me to see the way forward. I just don't want to feel alone anymore.

I envy these gothic macabre artist types who give their own philosophical commentary and seem to know true art from fakers and fake melancholists. I know I'm not like them. I would never be a goth, or I'm scarcely "gothic". I hate how many times before I sacrificed the scientist to avoid speaking up for myself.

Something that happened months ago is still on my mind, and I think I shouldn’t be worried because nothing with the people around me has changed but I can’t get myself to stop worrying.

I'm like a slow-motion train crash As long as I continue living that's enough but its hard as long as I continue though Honestly if I get meds or a diagnosis I think it could help. I want to be able to work. I want to be able to do things at the right time instead of spending most of the day sleeping or struggling, wasting hours. I want to but I think there's something wrong. But what if its not even something that's diagnosable. What if its just myself being like this. And I had no reason to be like this all along. All I had to do was try even harder. How do I know Im not just being dramatic. I don't know what to do. Its expensive to get it checked. It takes time and money we dont have. Im already not contributing enough. I havent continued college. I try to work from home but the electronics we have cant handle it. And when I find somethingI cant stick to it long enough because I fall back into being sick or sleep even though I want and need to stay awake. What do I do.

So i only have a few male friends and today i went out with them and my best friend and i ofc told my boyfriend and now hes all mad at me telling me i was so touchy with them and firstly i wasnt secondly he wasnt even there and we fight so much over my friendships even about female friends and im really slowly starting to fall out of love bc of this but i also cant ever break up because he knows so much embarrassing secrets about me like my dads a streamer and stuff and i know how he talks about his ex girlfriends and also i let myself down for so much shit he does and wants but the only thing i want like friends he doesn't even let me have them (sry for bad English im german) and whenever i have a problem with something he disregards my feelings and just always says hes sorry and he loves me but doesn't wanna do anything about it i jst cant do it no more

My mom is really grumpy and taking all her stress out on me because of financial stress, she said my financial councilor is wrong when he said something about parents needing to make sacrifices for their children.

idc if his dih is small his fingers make me wet anyways :d

Cuddling my body pillow gunnite

As if there's people defending the people who were setting fireworks last night. "Don't be so quick to judge" no i will be quick to judge because it doesn't take long for a spark to turn into a wildfire in these conditions. People in neighbouring towns have lost their homes. And it wasn't the odd firework either, it sounded like a whole display, it was actually scary.

If I meet him I’ll definitely fuck him hard (with consent)

Need me a perfume which smells like his sweat mixed with the cologne he wears

hairy chest kambal smels like a spicy musk with a hint of cigarettes

Why am I so hairyyy ugh I hate being a hairy nhhga nhhhh

My dih so tiny my balls look like a pussy ;n;

why are my balls named Rocky Mountain Oysters brooo

can i pee n cum if I get my tip pierced or will it make me feel good when i try to pee n it hurts?

Getting my tip pierced wish me luck

Must’ve been the lust mmmm lusty lusty

How can I be the one person in my house hold who pays all the bills, has every day to day responsibilities to take care of and provide everything to everyone in my immediate family and get treated like I don’t matter?

Second day at this new school and it feels like I’m genuinely gonna be alone forever my sister already made some friends but here I am with none it was like this at my last school too like do I just look unapproachable what’s wrong with me and at lunch I felt like such a loser these two people sat at my lunch table (I was sitting alone) didn’t really acknowledge me which is fair I guess but then they just started flirting right infront of me and I was just eating my lunch idk them just not acknowledging me then just flirting infront of me made me feel like a loser but maybe I’m just being dramatic also this girl I kinda liked was just flirting with this guy I’m not mad about it but it made me kinda sad today just wasn’t my day