All Rants

I have literally nothing. But I say this is a self aware way. I know better, I have a roof over my head, and food in my stomach, but a lonely life. My father is in jail, my mother, a psyche ward, my brothers homeless, and my sister,,, the outlier who had to leave to be the best she could be in her own place with her own family. I'm so, alone. The family build on trauma bonds that I grew up with, won't be there at my graduation that I will never have since I haven't left my house for classes for a year and a half. I'm so useless and lonely, and ugly, fat, and stupid. I have no redeeming qualities, and feel like a fraud online where I don't need to show my face. It just makes it so hard to choose not to self destruct even more.

i feel sad because i dont know anymore what im doing with my life i kept on working hard day by day but the people here or my support system keep showing signs of wanting to die and hating their life too. its frustrating that the very person whom you should make as fuel to do good in everything are slowly breaking apart. i hated the fact that i have to deal with this dysfunctional family its a burning house everyone are not realy connected i cannot even call it home. i plan on running away with everything and if i cant run i rather end it. now i have an exam even if i have a heavy heart and cant focus i dont have a choice but to force myself and set aside every feelings like bottle them up. i wish life was a little bit gentle to me and it wont make me suffer this much. i wish everything would just end and i wont have to go to school with a mask trying to make myself stay cool about everything even if its breaking me.

I'm closeted bisexual and bigender because I have homphobic parents and I have an ex because our parents found out about us and they discourage dating at my age but I want to be with him again but he put me in the friend zone and I have depression and I just want to die but I can't because my friend says she'll kill herself if I do so and I'm scared about what'll happen if I kms, I don't have privacy, I don't even have my own device. I don't have any source of happiness. Maybe temporary sources are my friends and my friends are like my world. I'm scared of talking to people but I want to. I'm scared people will judge me and I hate everything about myself. I think I have body dysmorphia but don't know.

i just want to sleep and never wake up

I want to cry it is currently 12:00 and I need sleep but I need to finish my homework and I can't. I am a failure and a disappointment to my family. I just did three depression tests and I got moderately severe depression. It said tell your parents immediately. To be honest most of the questions on the tests were really relatable.

my mom verbally abuses and physically abuses me because i play games, i was playing games for a little while instead of doing my homework and she told me shes never going to let me study again and she hit me like she always does and my arm was red and she called me a bunch of mean words and she often tells me to just kill myself i dont know what to do anymore

I have a lot of overdue assignments but I can't find the energy to do them. I have been thinking a lot about my grades, they are okay for now but I haven't been able to find the energy to actually put in effort. I am worried about being the failure of my family because my siblings are awesome and smart. One of them has their masters, and another one has their PHD. At school my friends are always getting good grades at everything. I often feel that I can't measure up. At the moment it is currently 11:00pm and I should be sleeping because I have school tomorrow and I haven't had good sleep for the fast week but I tried doing my homework and I ended up writing a paragraph about how I am a failure, and now I am writing on this. I am just going to go cry for about an hour now.

I am a failure. I havent done any of my school work and I have a lot of overdue work. I am probably the disappointment of the family. I have ADHD so that makes everything worse. One of my friends joke about autism. They call random people autistic as if that is a bad thing, and they also do the same with people being ADHD, and that makes me think that I am different because it takes me so much energy just to start on a project but for others it takes them 2 seconds and they have a whole idea of what to do and what to make. I also have misophonia which means I have emotional responses to trigger sounds such as: sniffling, talking, eating, and other noises. My grandparents have been staying with us for a couple of months and the way they eat and talk triggers me so I can barely be in the same room as them without wanting to cry. The stages of my misophonia starts at a mild annoyance, then it moves up to anger, then I want to cry so I try not to, but trying not to cry results in self harm

Im not going to live much longer. Im broken, im disgusting, filthy, stupid fucking ugly whore. I was broken from the start, the universe hates me and somehow i deserve it, I know i do. Im not a person, and i never was. I never will be, no matter how hard i try. Ill never function like everyone else. Ill never look like a woman should. Ill never be truly loved, just kept around for what i can provide until im useless, and then left without a second thought. I need to kill myself. Ive known it since i was 7, and now im a fucking pathetic 23 year old. I wasnt made to last. I was made to suffer, and fizzle out. It’s my fate, its out of my hands. Its what the world wants from me, and im so fucking tired of fighting it. I spent so long in a cage, ive become the cage and i cant escape it. Its so dark, and im so tired, and im so scared. Im so tired of fighting. I give up. The universe wins. I love life, but i was never meant to live.

For nearly 5 years of my early childhood about 6-11 me, my mom, and my sister were stuck in a house with my abusive ex-stepdad. I never actually called him my dad though since my bio dad still saw me every now and then. He started relatively calm, but as the hears went on, he started yelling and getting really angry over smaller things. My mom couldn’t leave because she had no job. However, she would leave for multiple days on end leaving us with him. I stayed in my room. When they were together, they would argue about things i cant even remember. Often times they would ask my opinion so i avoided them altogether. It got worse and worse. Single arguments would last over months and extend deep into the night. I remember that my mom would say not to get out of bed as to not wake my sister. Im realizing that he would actually rape my mom and then try to hide it. My mom eventually saved enough and got us out of there after a risky escape. After that i never spoke the same.

I’ve been severely frustrated as of recent and I feel like I have not been heard from anyone on my side. I live with a severely abusive parent who likes to berate and manipulate. And then I’m struggling with my partner who I don’t even know if they love me at this point, it just feels like I’m being used at this point. And recently my friend killed themselves, and I feel very alone without them, because it felt like they were the only person who understood me. And work has been beating my ass as well as money issues, and feeling as if I’m never going to make it anywhere in life. Like I’m just as useless as my mother says, even though I’ve worked my body so hard I’m starting to gain worse signs of physical exhaustion.

I have Anorexia Nervosa and I think its a disorder thats eating me. I think every time that I skip a meal, when I don't even take a bite my body starts to eat itself, and starts to rot inside. Its horrible. But the thing is that if I eat I start to violently throw up. It seems like there's no point of eating since I'm just getting waste it by vomiting. I don't understand, it all started in 4th grade when I decided to skip lunch at the cafeteria because my school didn't have any common sense and a teacher tried to send me to fat camp. My mom told me that I'm not even overweight, and I'm average. I was 4,10ft and weighed 81 pounds. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY DID THE PEOPLE THAT I THOUGHT WAS SMART THINK SO DUMB OF ME. I was scared to eat in front of my teachers and students so I just stopped, saying that I'm not hungry. What happened now? I'm 16 years old 5,6ft, and weigh the same amount of pounds, 81 pounds. I think I really am dying, I don't know, I don't know, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

My health is getting worse I feel like day by day. I think I'm rotting inside and slowly outside, as I've been ghosting all my friends, slipping grades and eating less. Gosh eating makes me feel guilty. I did get diagnosed with depression months ago and I'm not sure if its coming back. I want my medicine back. I'm scared to lose people but its just me, losing them. Its my fault for not speaking anymore to then. Its painful to grab my phone. I don't even get anymore messages, I've been stuck at 8 notifications for at least 4 months, and they are just my mom or scam callers. I had A+ or A's every grade, but now, in 9th grade, I'm dying, its hell, I'm a failure. Teachers probably look down at me as a dumb stupid idiotic child, which I probably am. I also am dealing with an abusive partner that I left, don't worry but its scary. Why are they threatening me when I was just defending myself, that I didn't want to send photos. I'm not important, people just use me, I'm a last place medal kid.

It's been four weeks since I've broke up with someone whose relationship was serious and lasted . Now, I'm falling in love in someone. What should I do?

i cant stop picking at my fucking skin.its been going on for as long as i can remember. bored? rip off the skin off of my fingers. hungry? rip the skin off of my fingers. stressed? same thing. at this point i don’t even realize it when i’m doing it. i’m so done. my fingers have become raw and sensitive. they’ve become aching with stinging pain and no longer smooth. they are irregular, irritated painfully, and they are hard to not notice. i wish i could stop but i just can’t. i’m literally doing it right now. for some reason i think if i keep doing it enough, my fingers will be smooth again, but i know thats not true at all. they bleed and its bothering me so much. i don’t have a nail clipper with me, i forgot to pack it, i’m on vacation, so it’s really bad right now because of how sharp my nails are. i don’t have any fidget toys or anything like that that would help dermatillomania, and i don’t wanna ask my parents for any because i know they’ll judge me for it. i wish i would stop.

People need to tell her not to bother me not look at me like I have problems.She talks to me, she needs to shut the fuck up and kill herself. I did everything but she bothered me before. I hope she dies and goes to heaven because she is the one who wants to go there and I won't fucking miss her because I never loved her. I am glad my sister tried to kill herself in the past. She told me she did. I was laughing on the inside. I wish she died because she is nothing but a burden for me and she is nothing but a problem.

Thanks to my sister I now feel suicidal and homicidal because she bothered me just to ask me to stop making throw up sounds in my bedroom with the door closed. I think it's weird my sister thinks it's ok to control what I do in my bedroom with the door closed she said can you please stop making throw up she said because it makes her gag and I was like no because it's my bedroom. I kept saying it's weird and I don't control her when she is in her bedroom.Well if she has a problem with what I'm doing she needs to kill herself because she is the problem here for making me the problem. I wish she died. She bothered me she is the one that fucking bothered me and I didn't do anything to her and if I talk to a person on 988, I will want to kill them because they upset me for talking over me. I want to kill them for being so rude to me and doing most of the talking.I can't go on crisis text line and I can't go to the emergency room because people are the reason I feel suicidal and homicidal.

I’m not that old I’m quite young actually but when I was younger I was really poor and for the past two years I moved in with my brother and he has now gotten a stable job and he has kids and we always have food in the fridge. Have soap in the bath room. And I haven’t really realised how different my life is now and I feel kind of ungrateful and that I take things for granted. My brother is very well of now he made 100k£ last year so we have money but I don’t feel that different and I was speaking with my other brother about this and he said like when I still lived with our mother that he had no energy for some fucking school and every time he went away form the computer every thing went to hell and I don’t really feel that different and like I said I feel very ungrateful

I really wish my therapist would stop worrying about my dad and start helping me with my actual problems. I don’t know how to control my rage outbursts and it’s getting to the point where I start crying when I’m angry. I get so angry over such little things and it’s really hard for me to calm down afterwards. I want to be normal.

Usually I rant about things that are more negative. But right now? My stress is slipping away. when I'm writing these specific words I have 13 hours and 15 minutes until I see my boyfriend. And oh my DAYS I cant WAIT! I baked him carrot cake cupcakes for Easter, but I don't even know if he likes carrot cake so now I'm scared.. but its okay. Im writing an important letter because I screwed up, but this is the same person who comforts me at the slightest things, holds my hand and gives me gifts for no reason, he makes me HAPPY. IM WRITING A BOOK BASED OFF OF US! I love him, and he's honestly the only person I would trust to apologize and explain to without doubting his loyalty. I just want to get to school early so I can run to him. I just want to see him. I've had crushes, but this is different. Im in love for the first time. I feel safe and free. I cant explain it with the room I have. But its surreal and amazing and all I want is to see him, to have him with me.