All Rants

I’m a junior in high school, school starts tomorrow I still haven’t fixed my sleep schedule, I’m gonna be dumb af, and I already know I’m going to dread it. I still can’t believe I’ve made it this far Genuinely thought I’d be dead by now lol

Relate to most of y'all. I feel it. A lot. Theres so much I want to say. Limited to 1000 letters. Sad. I'll start. I've lost friends, irl and online from money. Treated unfairly a lot. Tired of life and want to kms. Hate myself. Know shit I don't supposed to know. Seen shit I don't need to see. All at a young age. This may seem little. But... Yeah. I don't know. Random metaphor: imaginr you're emotions, are in a bottle. You haven't let them out for so. So. So. So. So. So. So long. And you want to let it out. Don't dump it. Open the cap, let some carbonation out first. And if it's too much, stop and continue when u can. "But, if we stop, it'll just fill back again" true, but we don't need the bottle to be empty. We just need to stop the emotions from overflowing. About half the bottle to 2/3rds are healthy.

I don't know where to go I don't know what I want I don't know how to fix me I don't know how to fix it I don't know how I can move on I don't know where I am I don't know where you are I don't know how to act I don't know how to talk I don't know how to think I don't know what is wrong with me I don't know how I let it get so bad I don't know why I let it get so bad I don't know what I am doing I don't know how I am doing I don't know I just don't fucking know I know I want to find out where it went wrong I know I want to find a solution for this I know this will take a lot of work I know that this will take time I know that this will take patience I know I want to feel better I know I want to be better I know I fucked up I know that this world does not exist anymore I think it was gone a long time ago I think I know what is right. I was wrong. I think I know what I want. I don't know. I think I can get through this I think we could get through this.

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE 4’9 NO ONE EVER TAKES ME SERIOUSLY

Hey. This may pop up to you, may not. It's pure luck. But... I just want you to listen. My pain, my tiredness, everything. If you've seen other rants, it's a lot. And... My pain and stuff are... A mix. Of all of those. Wanting to kms? Yes. Tired? Yes. Bullied? Yes. Parental problems? Yes. Wanting something? Ofc. It's tiring. I put up a smile, just to mask it. Everyone tired does. I act like I know everything. Not true. I know stuff beyond my things, yeah. Just... Not everything. I put a way to see on most stuff. Like cycles. One day you're happy, amazing, cheerful as ever. Next day something bad happens. Basically like if something good happens, something bad comes to balance it out. You may get lucky, no bad stuff for a bit. But sooner or later, it will balance out. Of course, this is just a common cycle. Not everyone follows it. But... Yeah. I don't know why I came here. Came here to vent, but ended up saying random shit. Annoying. Weird. Yeah. I get it.

I’m so socially anxious it is genuinely sad. Every conversation is me hyper analyzing every word I say, I’ve become very avoidant due to this and seeing everyone having friends and interacting normally makes me feel out of place I wish it would all just go away

You know. I'm tired. Tired of doing this and that with no end. I do this, I'm wrong. I do that, I'm wrong. I just... Ugh. All I want is just to do my thing, and not get punished. I don't want gold. Nor riches. All I want... Is just freedom. I'm... Young per se. And... These stupid little shits happened to me. Nothing about bullying. It's just... Ugh. I hate this. I don't like how people try to guide me even though I already know. "They're just reminding you" I KNOW. yet I don't need it. I'm young, yeah, but I know stuff that I shouldn't. I know that's bad. I admit it. My mental thinking is like an adult but it's as fragile as a piece of glass. I hate it. Everything.

I’m so tierd but I don’t want to sleep because I don’t want to wake up to that feeling.

I don’t want to make friends anymore. All they do is hurt me at the end so what’s the point. I hate waking up every fucking morning . How do people do this. Genuinely? It’s jst so hard. I don’t do friends anymore. I’m sorry.

Oops. People are rightfully complaining about teenagers starting fires in the woods, and I thought I'd never have done that at that age... then I remembered that me and my mates camped out illegally in the woods and not only lit a fire but also one of my mates threw a deodorant can on it Starting a wildfire never even crossed my mind back then. Maybe it's because we'd had yet another summer of cold and rain so everything was just chronically damp. Back then wildfires were something you'd get in Australia or California. Thankfully our little campfire stayed contained. It probably wouldn't have done today with these desert conditions. Although the fire we lit at the Girlguiding camp did spread to the bushes and it was the adults who were in charge of that one.

I feel like I have nothing to mean anything to anyone.

It pisses me off when people block you because of an artist. And then ur other friend who’s friends with you also blocks you. It’s funny huh. You don’t even know how this artist got me through the shittest times of my life. Yes it’s Melanie Martinez Ik ik, throw ur tomatoes at me. He said that she was a “ zionist, rapist, and ageplayer” but I’ve done my research she’s NONE of theses. I’ve literally been to one of her concerts where she literally yelled at the end of her show “free Palestine!” With the flag too. It’s pisses me off so much. It’s jst an artist, there’s way more worse artist then her, like drake, and p diddy, who have done way worse to CHILDREN. It jst makes me so angry and upset. You never know the silent struggles someone is going through and maybe the music is just a way to feel peace. You never know if their songs have saved them or not. I’m so pissed off.

having a dysfunctional family sucks. idk what i’m supposed to do anymore. i love my siblings, and they love me, but sometimes it feels like in the end, we’re all just the result of our traumas. i think a lot about what could’ve been. if we all grew up in a healthy home. if our biological parents grew up in a healthy home. if they never got into drugs, or if they got the help they needed. if we were adopted into a different family, or if our adoptive parents cared just a little bit more. i feel like we were always doomed from the start. mental illness, personality disorders, physical disabilities. i wish i could escape this family and be my own person, and i am, but i feel like i have nothing without them. it hurts to be around them but i hate being alone more than anything.

I hate my sister, she was supposed to be an abortion but my grandma told my mom to not do it, i wish she didn't listen to her and did it anyways

I thought you would remember. I hoped you would remember. When I asked if you had done something special for me, I was met with nothing. I was met with the fact that you were doing special things for others. It was my birthday. I know it’s wrong, I know it’s selfish, I know…but I thought you would do something special for me. And you didn’t. You even promised. You made a promise to me that something special would happen, and now it has been 3 months since my birthday, and you have done nothing for me. My heart broke silently. And I’m such a coward, you won’t ever know. I love you my dear. But this hurts me so much. More than you will know. Why? Did you even think about me? Did I even cross your mind? I can’t believe this. It keeps me up at night. I feel so small, so abandoned, so hurt. I’m hurt. I’m hurt my love. I’m hurt. I’ve been hurt by the one whom I love the most. I’m sorry.

I can't stop stressing. I have so much on my plate. I have a very young friend and her baby living with me and the family and there is so much tension and stress and its causing issues in our home and in my marriage

It’s been 3 months since my birthday, my love. You promised you’d have a gift for me, but 3 months have passed and I don’t have a gift from you. You’ve given many gifts to so many others, yet you never did the same for me. I gave you many things, many gifts. Your love is so precious to me, my dear, and I know that our love cannot be measured by our actions for each other. Yet, seeing you give to so many others while I never got something special for my day when you promised you’d would…you really hurt me, even if I said nothing. I’m hurt. I’m hurt, my love. I’m hurt. All I want to know…when you kept giving to everyone else, did my birthday ever cross your mind in these 3 months? Or did you just forget? I’m such a coward, my mind and body are riddled with anxiety to the point where I cannot muster the courage to ask you about this, yet this eats at me from the inside. I love you so much, I’ve done so much for you. I know it’s selfish, but I just wanted something from you. I’m sorry.

People say ill find someone, but how? All I have is an internet connection in a place where censoring is happening and even if i try dealing with social media in family and nsfw level places alike, I just need up alone and miserable. Even in the places I have a 'voice' I have to pay hours, days of hobbies I can't be bothered with all because the people don't understand the meaning of the word compromise. And then work exists... i want to beat my head into a pipe or something heavy.

why is it so hard to love you when you say you do but then act like you hate me.

i feel like an outcast in my own friend group and i know we’re drifting and its so hard to adjust to idk where i stand or what i want or what to do i just want to stop caring and stop feeling like this i need to just accept it or something whencever i try to fix it i feel worse god i just want to leave so i can stop feeling like this i remember why ive always stayed alone