All Rants

i just saw my ex. i don’t even like him, but i have this need of him thinking i'm perfect. and i was definitely not perfect on my way to the store. no makeup, no pretty clothes, no pretty hair. and now i don’t know what to feel.

I want to disown my family...I know they are decently good people but I can't deal with the dumb shit they do and all the stuff they did to me in the past. I cant

when me and my brother were younger (we are three years apart) he found it funny to flash me after he showered and shake his dick at me, typically he was a few feet from (liek more than 6 or so) but he would also get in front of my face and shake it in my face. my parents didn't do anything to stop him saying 'he was just being a boy' and now he wants to be a good brother for me and be nice to me...even though he shook his dick in front of my face till he was a senior in high school. and I fucking hate him for it. I really do, but he is family and I feel obligated to be nice to him even though I don't forgive me.

I think when I was a younger I was SA'd but i'm not sure, I mean like I have huge gaps in my childhood memories, I disassociate, I hate being touched, sometimes I feel like I'm being touched all over when I'm not actually being touched and I feel like feel memories of something like that happening to me. I know it sounds stupid as hell, but I can't ask my family because it would make me sound crazy.

I think I might have been SA'd when I was a kid, I know it sounds weird t not know but seriously..an old therapist of mine asked me if I was because she was concerned about how I describe my despise of touch as 'it feels really bad and uncomfortable' and I just said 'I don't know'..because either don't, I mean I don't see,ber almost years of my life because I have memory gaps. I mean I dread the answer but also I dread not knowing oy

6 days clean and 5 not 4 , 5 months of not commiting every 21st is one month with out commiting since april

My dad always puts my siblings before me, especially my brother. He never asks me what I want, never gives me gifts, randomly hands me money, nothing. He won't bother helping me learn to drive or get a car and then make fun of me and say "you're going to be like your grandma and not learn to drive until you're 30" like why are you making fun of her and me??? How about step up and actually be a dad to me for once instead of sitting in your room playing Fortnite forgetting you actually have to take care of your kids you've been neglecting since they were born.

I'm starting to eat again! who's happy?

nah, why all yall so damn depressed bro, like get a grip chat </3

One part of probably why I'm so effed up is my after bringing them back from somewhere blurts out "'all hells gonna break loose". I'm like don't say that. Obvious reasons they know exactly why they said it. They're planning to get drunk again. Yet they always say they don't mean to. Do you really think we enjoy you raging cussing at us calling us names then saying you don't remember? Yeah. Another page in my life. The worst part is they well all of it really. The yelling trashing us for no reason yet them saying they can't stand someone who gets EXACTLY like they do. The last times I was called a punk mother fucker and a pussy. Yet they play the no memory card. THAT DOESN'T VALIDATE YOUR BEHAVIOR.

What is it with parents and acting like they didn’t choose to have you.I'm convinced my mother hates me.she feeds me keeps a roof over my head, and everything. But never taught me to brush my teeth or how to braid my hair or how to change my bed or use the washing machine or do literally any simple tasks I need to be taught when I’m young.And then has the audacity to gets pissed when I don’t know how to do these things and has to show me how.like I’m so sorry to inconvenience you with actually having to do your fucking job?

I really dont know what to do; listen to my parents or to myself in terms of the future. I truly dont think my parents understand me at all. But also I dont want to disappoint them. Im trying to do my best but I dont think listening to my parents will help me in any way on future stuff. I need different opinions on this, but I dont have anyone to talk to about this really. At least not ones that have knowledge that I need to talk to about.

Can I ever change....I want to so badly

I hate myself. I feel like a snake eating its own tail because I keep sabotaging myself. I always had so many opportunities but I back away because I am scared and I don't believe in myself. I really think I am a failure and it makes me feel worse because my mom tries to help me, she encourages me and that makes me even more sad because... I am not good enough to be her daughter. I am not smart enough. I am not pretty enough. I got friends but none of them has same interests as me but I still manage to talk to people but it just hurts... because I still want someone that feels familiar.

Is ending it so scary anymore I asked myself that since I was 14 people tell me life gets better and stuff starts working your way but hey I’m 24 still here hating life maybe it’s something mentally wrong with me that makes me like this who knows but I just I feel like giving up even more now I think life would be better for everyone around me if I end it already I know they think about it scared but once it happens you can’t change it they will keep living

I miss him... I confessed to my crush a few weeks ago. I had never confessed to any of my crushes before because I never felt co fident to talk to my precious crushes. But this guy... he was different. The first moment I saw him, it was love at first sight. And there was a lot of seats in the room and he decided to sit next to me. I remeber it all... I remeber our first moments, I remember me and him exchanging sticky notes across the class... I remeber adding him on snap and we were texting from midnight till the next day... and next year, he is going to be gone because he is moving away. I confessed to him while we were on call since we already called a lot... and...and he said he doesnt want a relationship because he is scared of love. I know he likes me too but ...it just hurts. It really hurts. It hurts more because we still text as if we are just friends eventhough lately he isnt texting as much...but I am never seeing him again.... since he is moving..

So a few weeks ago I confessed to my friend. I didn't hear what he replied with but we were on call and he mentioned he didn't want any relationship nor family because his parents love life is shit and me and him are similar to his parents love life. I couldn't help but be sad but I wasn't surprised because I am... ugly after all and no boy would ever like me like that anyways. I wish I was pretty. I really miss him. We haven't talked much and he is literally my life... my friends are fine I guess but its just different with him. I love my friends too but a boy I like..thats different. I miss him..I really miss him.. he said I was a really good friend and he opened up about things he told no one about so I guess Ill have to appreciate that. But I really did love you.

I wish I was pretty...or smart. I am just painfully average. Theres truly nothing about me that stands out at all. Meanwhile my friends, theya re either pretty, or smart or got both. I tried being smart- I dont think I am built for it eventhough people tell me I got the brain but I don't use it to full potential. Well I cant...I think too negative about myself.

my now girlfriend is genderfluid and idk why it bothers me bc i’m nonbinary but i just want my sweet boy i feel horrible for feeling this way but idk

I am really stressed... I am a lazy piece of shit and not to mention that I got a really important time of my life and I have to focus and study but I can't. I was so used to being naturally smart that now it doesn't work anymore. And I want to be a doctor and I have to do this stupid UCAT in 2 weeks is my exams and I am cooked... I am scared. Not to mention I don't even have the same level of experience as the other try hards who wants to do medicine. They got hospital and shit and I literally got nothing... haha I dont know what to do with my life. I am stressed. I cant do this anymore. I want to disappear but I am the only sibling my parents are relying on. I got no one I can depend on... No one seems like they want to help me. If I ask they tell me to try harder like they are doing. Well I am trying but it isnt working. My negative mindset keeps pulling me back...