All Rants

My mom beats me for having a low score on math and German but she never went to school and she’s threatening me to get me kicked out if I’m 15 I’m 11 turning 12 it’s just so unfair that I get judged although she never went through what I did she’s the reason I self harm I’m scared to tell her anything now

Carry on - the cranberries ❤️ Can't stop listening to it. That's all for today .

My house is too full of "stuff". Working to reduce things no longer in use. Spouse has parkinsons. Mother in law has required intensive care for the last 10 years, finally passed. Spouse parkinsons not in good shape. Having a special dinner tonight at home. Spent the week helping spouse throughout issues's w P (daily/nighttime). This morning woke up to spouse yelling at me that he read the doc's report about some of his symptoms. Blames them on me for not cleaning the house well enough. I have the day planned out (pretty well) and it should work out well (menu/house prep). It will be a busy day for sure, but I think all will be good. But his criticism of me hit my limit this morning. I try to be really supportive, spend so much time caregiving for him (meds/doctors/pharmacists/coaching himsupporting him. I am definately working on reducing the amount of items we keep, but that is a weekly process.

Why don't I know how to act properly I mean I really don't know how to be in public. I always overthink things and end up doing or saying the wrong thing. I dont know what's the right way to act or the right thing to say. I just want to be normal to have someone who gets me. Someone who i could talk about my problems Eveyone wants something from me but it feels like I have no one.

family problems, wanna end things

Ive started hatinf myself again. I dont understand why, why am I like this again when I was fine for so long. I made friends, GOOD friends, I started dating, but for some reason, everything came crashinf down harder, even harder than the first time, I hate it, SO FUCKIN BAD. I shouldnt have to go back to this shit show, to this area where I feel so bad, where im empty and hollow and shitty, where it feels like theres a blackhole where my heart should be and it's suckinf up all my happinesss faster than I can make more, i hate it so much, so bad. I dont wanna barely eat, I dont wanna shut them out, I dont wanna be a shell of who I used to be, I dont wannna hide, I dont wanna hurt myself again.

I noticed a pattern with my friendships, everytime I make new friends it's hard to keep them, because I get jealous to easily I never do anything rash or act out on my jealousy, I stay silent and I wait it out hoping the feeling will go away, but it doesn't. Whenever my friends behind to hang out with others, or anything mutuals we share I get so sad and angry and a bunch of mixed emotions, so I begin to push myself away, ignoring any pleas if they contact me out of concern and in the end I leave and drop them without explanation bc I'm scared they'll leave me first even when they reassure me, I could never know if they are being truthful or not. This same situation is happening again, but this time I trying to handle it a little differently, I wanna try to keep talking to them. I wondered if I endure these negative emotions in three background and still be around everything will be fine.

a lot is wrong. i like girls as a girl but my whole family including parents are homophobic, i’m more lonely and feeling like im drifting away from my interests, and my period ruins EVERYTHING. my sleep schedule is ruined too and idk what to do right now because going outside doesnt help, it’s the season where there is a lot of bugs and i absolutely hate bugs!!!!

That said, i still think it was an injustice, a lack of sensitivity and appreciation. Knowing someone that always valued and appreciated you had a chance, the only one, to see you, and yet reject it, after saying that person was ‘a really good friend’, ‘an anchor’. Your words, not mine. To be an ‘anchor’, enough I endured without hearing your voice or seeing your face even on a screen. When my biggest dream was seeing you on a screen and then in person. I was hoping we could strengthen our friendship even after exchange, but you decided I wasn’t worth keeping. You may have your reasons to do so. But doing that while saying ‘friendship’ and ‘anchor’ and ‘forever grateful’? That’s straight up malice, evil and being hypocritical.

Sometimes I hate myself. I feel like I am constantly failing and that I'll never be good enough for anyone and that I will start losing people in my life. Worst part is, the next day I feel totally fine. I usually get this way at night. I mess up all the time. Make the same mistakes over and over again. I regret oversharing with people but I end up doing it anyway because I can't keep my fucking mouth shut. I hate acting all pathetic and "oh poor me" because my home life and life in general isn't even that bad so I feel really pathetic and stupid. And I am so incredibly sensitive and apparently it's easy to read my emotions. It pisses me off. I hate feeling so much all the time. I'm either on the higher end of the scale or the lower end. I lowkey wanna hurt myself sometimes to like desensitize myself so I can hide my emotions better. Problem is that I don't think physical pain is supposed to do that. But my brain thinks otherwise.

i’m uoset. i’m uoset and i hate it becsuse i don’t understand why i’m so fucming uoset thst my friend cancelled plans with me to hang out with her boyfriend. it’s not like she’s not allowed to, i just hate feeling like an outsider because everybody else is dating and able to do all these things together and i can’t ever do anything. i think i’m jusy ginna cut everybody off and not talk anymore. i don’t think they’d give a shit if i just never spoke again, it’s hurtful but i think ignoring everybody is probably better for my fucking sanity in the long run

im so tired of wanting something and when i get it i actually do not want it . I wanna go back to my old life with my old routine and break up sucks, i asked for this and now i actually cannot do it on my own

I just really wish the men I like would like me. I was always rejected in high school and now it's like I'm invisible to everyone but creepy men who catcall me. I put effort into my appearance, I try to be approachable, but I get nothing. I just don't know what's wrong with me that I seem so repulsive. I want a relationship so badly, I've been crying about it. I don't know if it's my looks (I have acne scars) or if it's my height (5'10) but something just seems fundamentally wrong with me. I just want someone to love me.

God...I just read about how my friend wanted to kill everyone because nobody understood them and I felt nothing. They think they're fat and I felt nothing. They cut and I feel nothing. I feel like a goddamn sociopath.

I’ve only been with one man my whole life. High school sweethearts. We’ve had challenges and some things I just don’t know if I want to overcome. I want to know what’s it like to be with someone else.

It's been a month since my partner broke up with me. He was in my life for two years, he was my entire world, we had our entire life planned out. We had known each other for two years, been dating for almost an entire year. He was my first genuine adult relationship and I don't think I ever thought I was ever going to lose him. I miss him, a lot. To the point where it physically hurts. He didnt even give me a reason when he left, just that "he was rethinking his life". I've never been this broken over a breakup before and its scaring me? I didn't realize how messed up this made me until I started avoiding people and not wanting to make plans and hang out with friends because I just want to be alone with my thoughts, and its getting unhealthy at this point. I just miss him man. I miss him and I want him back even though its just like not good for both of us-like I introduced him to my family, he went to all my gatherings, he was my person in everything, and just like that, 2 years gone

School stresses me out so much to the point that every day is just surviving through the stress until Saturday. That's the one day my mind is at peace and quiet. Sunday is also horrible because I think of the fact that Monday is school and then have to study and it causes me stress. I keep bottling it up and comforting myself saying that everything will be fine and it works for a while until all the bottled up stress just explodes and then my mind doesn't work and I don't voluntarily think of the stressful situations yet my body decides to react to them. I'm genuinely so tired of it all because I don't know how to stop it I just can't wait to finish school I can't handle it anymore

Do you ever feel like your world is falling apart? I am terrified of everything. It feels harder to get up every morning and I get more tired with every day. Sleep doesn't seem to help either. I feel like I'm just waiting for death. But I'm also scared of death because no one knows what happens after death. If God really does exist, heaven would be a possibility after death. But I feel more terrified of heaven then just disappearing. How am I supposed to imagine an eternity of life when life right now doesn't feel happy. I am afraid of waking up one morning and just not being able to do it anymore. Am I really just waiting for death at this point? Hoping God does not exist so that I can fade into nothingness?

Brother- I am not sure exactly why we fell apart… We are brothers and I want an adult brother relationship. I know I can be controlling sometimes, and am working on that. You relied on mom for everything, and then mom suddenly died, when you relied on her for everything. Nobody was there to help you. And I think you won't accept help from anyone other than mom- who died almost 10 years ago… I said bad things about your girlfriend before Christmas 2021. I apologize. I was angry and said things I should not have said. I have tried to help you with many things - finances, and whatnot. You helped me with car issues and my ac and dryer a few years ago. Then at my wedding we fell apart. You said you would take a day off to help with setup. You did not. You refused to stay at my bachelor party. I wanted to spend time with my brother. You caused drama that got you kicked out of the wedding party. Now you won't talk to me. Are we brothers or just guys who lived in the same house?

'Dad' you are a terrible father. I only have several good memories of you, and I'm sure there was manipulative energy in those good memories. The rest of my memories of you are terrible. You are a manipulative, gaslighting asshole! I have forgiven you, but I have not forgotten a thing. I gave you one more chance. You went to church and talked to a pastor. You are saying the right words. You let me tell the truth about you to your face, and you told me some truths. But then you are now trying to shift all the blame on the nasty shit you did on your dead mother / dead wife. Grandma was never in the room when you emotionally and sexually abused me! Mom had her part. She could have protected me and brother more, but that shouldn't have given you the right to abuse your children. I have given you several chances to admit to your part in fucking me up. Instead you want to throw blame at the dead women in your life. Shame on you. I still forgive you, but I am done.