All Rants

I despise having a dissociative disorder. It's treated as such a joke online. I barely have any memories, and the ones I do have, I can't even trust are real. I don't know who I am anymore. I have over 200 alters because of neglect that is still ongoing and I can't tell my family because they don't believe it's even real. In their mind, the only way your brain can split this bad is through physical torture. Which, YEAH IT CAN... But they forget being severely neglected can still make a kid not function. Anyone I can get help from is ignoring me, and I can't even get a therapist because "it's just too annoying, I'm already going to therapy, you don't need it." I hate my life. I want to feel real again. I want to be whole again but I can't even remember who I was when I was whole. Now I'm the host of a barely functioning system and I just want to end my life because I'm stuck with my mom. I love her, but I can't do it. She abused me and she doesn't even remember.

I have POTS and double vision. It was first diagnosed as IIH, but my neurologist now says it isn’t because medication didn’t help, and thinks it’s just an eyeglass issue, but glasses don’t fix the double vision. I also have pain under my left breast that wraps to my lower side and I’m seeing a GI doctor. Recently I developed a vaginal cyst that may need surgery due to its location. I struggle with PTSD, social anxiety, and DID, though I feel like my mental health “doesn’t count.” I also have PCOS, degenerative disc pain, hypercortisolism, dizziness, presyncope, fatigue, and brain fog. I had ulcers (now healed) and past surgery for a large lipoma, but still have neck pain. I can’t work or attend school, I’m turning 25 soon, waiting on disability after a denial, and feel isolated and exhausted trying to make friends. I'm exhausted and I I’m trying to get onto disability.

me and my cousin have similar experiences with having toxic mothers. But when me, her, and my grandmother were in the kitchen, she was talking about those experiences with her. Our grandmother showed sympathy and said things like "its not your fault" and how shes strong and how shes almost there from moving out and how our passed grandfather would be proud of her. And i wish that my mom didnt have such a good reputation with my dads side of the family so they'd say those things to me. Its disgusting and jealousy but I just feel like a weak and lazy person compared to my YOUNGER cousin, hearing her talk about her life made my issues feel so small. I just wanna feel proud of myself and like i'm on my way to "escaping" my mother. But everyone thinks shes so nice. I hate the way i feel it makes me hate myself sm. Idk how to shake this feeling.

Goddamn Dorella! I know you were hot but on street clothes you a goddamn knockout!!!! Having two kids actually made you look better!

I've had enough of this, because how tf are you going to say you love me and then say the only reason you stopped by to see me is that you think I'm leaving rn, as tempting as it is. I'm so over y'all being fake and acting like y'all care. I fucking can't with this anymore.

I dont understand anything, I dont know anything and it pains me no one understands how i feel no one knows, everyone thinks im fine and its so exhausting im only young yet I feel so much, I dont feel real anymore Idk if I want to continue trying idk if I should continue, idk if I should end things, I want to know the truth the lies the everything, I want TO KNOW im driven by curiosity im driven by anger by saddness by rage, NO ONE is real no one is actually here its just me so why am I trying so hard for these fake people im too nervous I dont know if theyre real or not I feel like im going crazy, only me and my boyfriend feel real, im so tired I dont know anymore I cant tell the difference im dying inside I want to end things I WANT TO know I need to know, I should do it I need to I need to know the truth I need to or I wont be able to handle the lies any longer, I cant do this anymore no one will tell me anything I dont know if anything is real, I need help but I cant get it.

i feel pathetic i feel like the only friends i have arent even real ones like theyve treated me like shit and made me cry so many times but when they come back and apologise all i can do is accept it and be like its okay i forgive you but when i do one thing wrong in their eyes they throw me away like im nothing, only for them to come back and realise they were wrong and stuff. ill tell you some of the stuff theyve done before like they invited me out once and then proceeded to ditch me an dleft me with someone i hate and only one of them apologised and when i tell you i cried because why would you even invite me out. once i had beef with this racist girl they all were "friends" with and they didnt even like her like they always used to talk shit ab her but when i acc confronted her they all got mad and dropped me and didnt speak to me for months and it was so humiliating going to school with no one, no friends no nothing and ik they were talking shit ab me too.

I have a huge crush on this boy and I really really like him but he hangs out with this other girl isa all the time and I want him to notice me and love me we used to be best friends in middleschool and last year I was so suicidal but he never aknoledged that and like, when isa tried to kill herself he nearly went crazy trying to save her and that was the first time he ever texted me first and I hate it so much I hate isa and like she's in theatre and I want to be in theatre too but I can't and i'm starting to think they just...hate me.

Okay uhh so i have a friend and shes literally making me go insane cuz genuinely wtf. so first of all, she mentioned that she’s avoidant, she will literally discard me when we just had a fun moment together or a small fight. Once there was a moment that i tried to told her off bcos she was being rude to me AND SHE SHUT ME OFF FOR DAYS. AND I HAVE TO BEG HER TO SEE ME SO WE CAN RESOLVE THIS AND SHE GAVE ME A BITCHY ATTITUDE. AS A PERSON WITH CHRONIC ANXIETY, IT WAS HELL AND PURE TORTURE AS IF IT WAS LIKE GETTING PUNISHED FOR CARING SOMEBODY. GENUINELY HOW DO I BUILD THIS MENTAL WALL SO I DONT GET HURT BY THIS BITCH

I feel like I’ve failed myself, I can’t get perfect attendance for anything especially dance, I don’t feel love there anymore. The teacher that cared about me died and I don’t even see a reason to go, but still I love dance it’s my life and I can’t imagine life without. Im nothing without it-I’m not smart or pretty or perfect, but with dance it change my life but I can’t see to go. I know my teacher doesn’t care about me anymore I wish I was still useful to them. But now I’m no better than a piece of trash on the floor I don’t know who I am anymore, I’m not as “perfect” as I was. I just I’m so tired of trying to be the standard I just want to exist as myself, not in pain,not suffering,not suppressed but shining as the true me

The boy like is kinda just like me, today in school it was 6th period the second to last period in school, all of his friends were being loud at the front of the class while he was just sitting in his seat. I think the looked at me but I might just be delusional as always. I don’t think he will ever notice me sadly because idk if he likes black girls and I called him chopped to my friend (bc he walked past me and my friend and was saying “everyone is chopped” to his friend) and it would be really weird to tell my bestie that I like him when I talked smack about him. I like him but at the same time i dont like him, for example one time in class we were doing an experiment with socks and his whole table had white socks and the teacher tried to give him a black one and he said “I don’t like black ones” am I overthink this? Yes but I don’t stand a chance with him bc I’m so freaking ugly and I don’t know how to style my hair as a black girl. I just don’t feel confident in my skin anymore.

I know I am going to mess it up. anyways when did it work out before? It seems like I am running in circles. A circle don't got no ends. What exit? I watch myself trying, knowing damn well I was never part of the hierarchy. Since when did living in delusions become life support? Since when did shrinking dreams become the norm? Wasn't it always said to expand faith to meet your desires? Well faith and fear both force you to believe in the unseen. But you get to choose what to take as real.

I asked google why I'm not happy with others. It said I have anxiety or depression Oh my god, I'm such a terrible person. Why am I like this? Why must I exist in 3d? I belong to no body, I am a soul and I am searching for myself. I am no soul. I have no soul. I have a body but no soul. There is nothing inside of me. It is simply dark. There are no stars in my heart and there are no planets in my head. I can’t listen to her be happy. I am so horrible. I have put my headphones on to drown out her joy. I should honestly not exist anymore if this is who I am when I am not performing. She's singing, she can't sing, I'm the singer, I'm full of rage and jealousy. Help. help. Help. I can't do anything and it's so terrible. I can't scream or cry or yell or talk because someone is always listening, talking, telling, hearing, judging. I'm so afraid. I want to run away from home. I have nothing to my name. I’m so privileged. I’m so selfish for thinking that. I’ll run away when I grow up.

Why can I not feel joy for other people? I think I'm a moderately good person, people tell me I’m kind. Why can’t I feel happy for other people? I don't understand. All I feel is jealousy. I can't do anything at all. I'm just upset. Why can't I do the same thing that other people do? I don't understand why I'm like this. Who even am I? Am I performing for other people? I know that I am. I perform for my family and friends and teachers and everybody I've ever met. I think I perform for myself too. Why am I like this? People say to just be yourself, but who even is that? I don't know anything about me. I don’t know who I am. Who am I? Who am I? My sister is part of the crew in her school musical. That's my thing. The only thing I know about myself is that I enjoy theatre. She's taking my only true thing from me, and I'm being dramatic about it. It's not that big a deal that she wants to do it. It isn't. It's good she enjoys it. She needs a hobby. but that's my hobby.

Alot of thingsa arr happening in my life all at once and I thoufht it would get better but it's not. Is it wrong I keep hanging out with the same people that judge me for every little thing I do I mean Idk. I finally got a grisp of myself nd some dude likes me and stuff nd like I kinda like him but my friend is just being so negative abt it now I don't care but it's getting to me a lot nd her negative comments some times don't even link. Why am I still friends with her idk I just don't want to be lonely. It's not even only her but I feel like idk all day and last year I nearly ended it nd Ithought tthis year would be new but it's not nd now I'm back to square one idk

I mess up everything. Family. School. Friends. Its all my fault it feels like. Imsorryimsorryimsorry

My mom beats me for having a low score on math and German but she never went to school and she’s threatening me to get me kicked out if I’m 15 I’m 11 turning 12 it’s just so unfair that I get judged although she never went through what I did she’s the reason I self harm I’m scared to tell her anything now

Carry on - the cranberries ❤️ Can't stop listening to it. That's all for today .

My house is too full of "stuff". Working to reduce things no longer in use. Spouse has parkinsons. Mother in law has required intensive care for the last 10 years, finally passed. Spouse parkinsons not in good shape. Having a special dinner tonight at home. Spent the week helping spouse throughout issues's w P (daily/nighttime). This morning woke up to spouse yelling at me that he read the doc's report about some of his symptoms. Blames them on me for not cleaning the house well enough. I have the day planned out (pretty well) and it should work out well (menu/house prep). It will be a busy day for sure, but I think all will be good. But his criticism of me hit my limit this morning. I try to be really supportive, spend so much time caregiving for him (meds/doctors/pharmacists/coaching himsupporting him. I am definately working on reducing the amount of items we keep, but that is a weekly process.

Why don't I know how to act properly I mean I really don't know how to be in public. I always overthink things and end up doing or saying the wrong thing. I dont know what's the right way to act or the right thing to say. I just want to be normal to have someone who gets me. Someone who i could talk about my problems Eveyone wants something from me but it feels like I have no one.