Today’s my mum’s birthday and I’m angry bc she killed herself

I’m freshly an adult and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I just wanna feel alive and not like everyday is a constant battle. I feel lost most days and weak in my faith with God. I question if he’s even there and what my purpose is. Like I’m constantly having an existential crisis. I’ve never felt more disconnected with the people around me. I don’t feel grounded at all. I want a way out but my brain keeps drawing blanks. I wanna be impulsive and see if it gets me out of this slump and so I can finally feel like I’m fully here and present. I feel like there’s things I could do but I don’t feel capable. I feel like a waste of space. Like nobody really cares about me that much. I feel like a burden. I don’t wanna die I just wanna feel alive. I think imma shave all the hair off my head tbh

i don't get why people don't care for me, i feel like i have no reason to be here anymore, i just want to be actually loved for once. i feel so unlovable it feels like i always was meant to feel this way, maybe everyone would be happy with me gone??? idont know. i just can't do this anymore, i want to feel seen. every day when i wake up no one texts me and it's so embarrassing.