I don't even know if I'm just looking for attention anymore, but I feel like shi all the time.

I don't wanna continue living, Bein the oldest is hell even more “Hell” than it self. Parents expected my grades to be all good while stress from academic thingy is bothering my mental health, Being trial parents for my siblings because they keep fighting like a piece of sh*t they are and don't forget they force me to go both work and study at the same time. . im selling foods at my school while studying it's tiring. it ain't stoping there, When i came home i was greeted by loud yelling and my dad won't let me slide. Sometimes he came to my room to beat me up and release stress he said, i don't know anymore. I just wanna be loved, appreciated and cared. if my life turned this way im not gonna last long, Even self harm not helping me anymore. what's wrong with me?. i got sa'd twice by my cousin when i was 6 and i have no idea it's sa till now, i tried to explain and tell them but no one believed me. ok

im so lazy to study and if i dont lock in i will lose my scholarship and fail year.Im in uni, no one in my family went to uni, my mom didnt even finish high school. She was lucky she found my father, he was great man, then he offed himself leaving my mom all alone with two kids. We were so poor but i never felt poor bc my mom would do anything for me. I also was very sick when i was kid and caused her much trouble, and i can't even repay her to study. Like uni is expensive we all know that. Idk whats wrong with me i love my mom sm but my laziness is bigger then my love for her.