i haven’t had a genuine life-ruining crush on anyone since i was a kid, and now i have one on one of my only online friends. it makes me feel so stupid and childish. i know i have no chance with him. first of all i’m transmasc (only recently told him after being stealth) and he’s straight. part of me wants to lean in to being effeminate so i can “seduce” him, which is so stupid it’s unreal. second, and most important, i’m really ugly and he doesn’t know. i’ve never shown him pictures. he joke flirts because he has no idea, and i’m too scared to tell him. even if i was attractive, i wouldn’t be able to tell him, because i’m positive he wouldn’t be interested. but with the added drawback of me being ugly, i just feel ashamed and disgusted by myself. how dare i violate him by thinking of him in such a way. he makes me feel more seen and loved and cared about than anyone else i’ve met. but it doesn’t matter, because i have nothing to offer him in return. maybe someone else, eventually.