I can't take it anymore. Life feels like shit and feels so hollow and unfulfilling, and it really felt I wasn't going anywhere with this I felt like there's no direction in life now and the only way out is the internet and spacing out through escapism in my mind as I don't want to face reality anymore

I feel so boxed all the time. I feel like I can't breath like im every ines therapist and no one comes to help me or ask me " hey are you good?" And I think its because im to happy all the time, I feel fat and not me I constantly want people's attention and validation but I dont want to he to much, I want to talk to some one about it but don't want to be seen as a attention seeker. But sometimes when im talking I hear my vocie and it throws me off on how awful my vocie sounds ( to me at lest) my parents don't let me have any sort of online things, like Instagram, TikTok, Facebook not even Roblox, and I see why they won't let me have it, but I feel so controlled. And also my favorite vocaloid artist GHOST is problematic, like VERY. And when my friends seen they kept saying to me " im sorry for you loss" in a stupid mocking vocie, I told them to stop AND THEY DIDNT LISTEN. It's very hard for me to let go of things, I don't know why but it is. But that's all I can fit here so im done :/

I want to see about getting an assessment/diagnosis but what if the therapist thinks I'm lying and faking it or what if I dont have anything and they think im stupid for even thinking I possibly did or something. Some of my friends think I have autism, my mother asked if I was bipolar a year or two ago, and idk if this is related to anything, but I want to lose weight (im overweight) but I dont even try. I eat whenever im bored, at the mall, near a bakery, literally anywhere that has food i like. The only reason I wont is if I have no money. I will get paid and within 2 days most of its gone, I dont know how im spending it so fast. I dont get paid much but still, I only have to pay my phone bill, so what am I spending money on? Food, snacks, sometimes doordash, random stuff I dont need. I want to exercise but I just wont. The closest thing to exercising ill do is walking around the mall and a shopping street thing. Thats not enough. Sometimes an hour or 2 of just dance.