I want to kill myself sometimes. I don't know what I want to do with my future. I go to a college prep school and I'm already supposed to know but the thing is I'm not athletic or smart. Im scared that I'll never find anyone to love me in my future. Im scared to die alone but it's hard for me to make friends because of my social anxiety. So I would just kill myself, but I'm scared. Scared that it will hurt or if my life somehow changes and I wouldn't want to kill myself anymore. But I don't know how to build up the courage to do it myself, the only person who can change my life is me but I'm terrified. Terrified that people will hate me or make fun of me, I just want friends, I want to be smart, I want to be pretty, and I want people to want to be around me. I tell myself that I'll change each time, that I'll start talking, but the words get stuck in my throat and my face heats up from embarrassment, so what's the point? Im too scared to do it but I wish I could just dissapear.