All Rants

Maybe it is me. That im the problem. Ever since i was 4 years old. I had this "best friend". Throught our years together, she has taught me one thing. Dont trust everything you hear. She made me learn that lesson. Getting me involved in drama. And I was the victim. All the time. Having to solve the problems that weren't mine at 8 years old. I matured at a very young age, and ever since then, I had trust issues. At a birthday party, I was told to go. I didn't want to go. My "bestfriend" had just left the school, but she was the only person i actually talked to. Yet i was forced to go. Standing beside my dad. And then he asked me "why dont you go play with your classmates" I told him i didnt want to. That i dont talk to them. Then he snapped and told me, "have you ever thought you were the problem, you need to grow up". My heart shattered. My mom had pulled up in the parking lot after he said it. And i ran. As fast as i could. Got in her car and cried. She then kicked me out of the car..

I really hope one day I'll be free. Maybe one day I will grow wings.

You know what? I am so tired of people saying either 'AI will take my/your job/jobs' or 'AI is a useless slop machine' when both those views are far too blunt to be useful. For some reason everyone hates me when I say stuff made *with but not by* AI will be superior to stuff made either with AI dependency (usually not high quality or high factuality) or no AI at all (extremely slow). AI is better at producing candidates but not good at telling whether you've made a mistake due to a shallow 'causal worldview' - I use AI a lot, and it tends to make correlation-causation fallacies rather than understanding cause and effect? I am an academic, and I use AI to basically shallowly explore a direction or proof to see if it's fruitful. It's like a sounding line, it (in me experience, which may be limited) doesn't give you a 3d experience, but it tells you how far a rabbit hole goes.

I wanna die. But sometimes I dont. And I feel guilty. And I wish I could just go to sleep and not ever wake up. And I feel like shit. And I can't get out of bed. And I can't eat. And I can't move. And I'm just there. And that's it.

i wish i was as pretty and attractive as my friends, its a humiliation ritual just walking next to them

It hurts. It hurts so bad. Living. Just existing. And it's cold. So cold. Being alone.

Pressure is taking over my life. Having to get perfect grades, scholarships, top classes, yet, it's all up to me. I can't disappoint my parents. But they dont see what hides behind my smiles. Hidden in the bathroom, silently crying not from pain, but from pressure. From all i'm carrying just to make them proud. Sleeping late at night, waking up early. Losing my appetite. Losing my energy. Yet i still try to show im happy. Trying to show that I dont need help. One time i tried telling my father, Im tired. Im tired from all the programs he is signing me up for that i don't have time to do my actual school work. Then he told me, this is just the begiinning, i need to focus more, i need to continue to work hard. I just sat there. Wondering why I even bothered to tell him. I know he wants the best for me, but I'm out of energy. At night i stare outside my window, zoning out, wondering if i will ever find sleep, wondering if i will ever find myself truly smiling. Its all for my parents.

My boyfriend is abusive and I don’t know want to tell anyone because I’m not ready to leave and they will only judge me and pressure me to end things

i wish my parents were normal and not fucking maniacs

i am so fuckingggg tiredddd of hearing the same “respect ur mom” or “ur mom is just stressed” or “ur mom just cares” speech. my mom literally gets anyone she can to talk to me about “respecting” her. it pisses me tf off, i wanna beat the fuck out of that old bitch sometimes bc it’s been 2 damn years n she still doesn’t understand why i fucking hate her when i’ve tried everything. i’ve yelled out that i fucking hate her, i’ve told her respectfully why i hate her. she still doesn’t seem to get it. i hate this bitch. i barely see her as a fucking mom, all i see is a gambling addicted bird brain who chooses her boyfriend over her daughter. i can’t even wearing a tube top in my own house bc i need a sweater, even in the summer. i can’t go out bc my mom assumes ill get kidnapped everywhere i go. my mom used to punish me by forcing me to sleep in her bed bc she knew id be uncomfortable. my mom repeatedly used to beat me, but when i start beating her ass back, im the “devil”

I hate my life. But i cant be mad. I have an amazing community. But for some reason i hate my life. I hate the way i treat my parents. I hate it. I just want to feel joy again. To feel what i felt like once more. Just one more time. But every time i try, i always somehow end up in my room, crying, thinking im the problem. Im burnout. But i can't show anyone i'm struggling. I dont want them to worry for me. One day joy will come find me again.

i am so angry i blame my two cousins for sa’ing me when i was 3 i was a baby if they just left me alone idc if they were kids too my life would have been so good i would have been so happy i wouldn’t have a fucking porn addiction that started at 8 years old i would have learned what sex was the normal way i would have been innocent im so hypersexual its so fucking embarrassing n im only 14 n worse im a girl n i have a porn addiction?? like how fucking masculine can that get its so embarrassing n i even started selling my nudes for fucking free to random guys on discord and chatrooms n they knew my age n they’re using my pics to catfish n worst of all the guy who leaked my nudes when i was 13 is out there walking free n grooming other girls bc im too fucking scared to tell anyone bc if i tell my mom ill get my ass beat ill get my phone taken ill have nothing im so disgusted

Its always me. I make everything worse for my family. Compared to my siblings they respect my parents more. I try. I swear i try to. But its never enough. Have i really failed as a daughter. Have i really lost the trust. Why? I have so much ahead but im not looking foward to it. Im tired. Grew up with lectures, hitting (not anymore), but that shaped me on who i am today. My father would lash out on me. And now i developed that. And it cant go away no matter how hard i try. I talk back to my parents, lie to them, shut the door in their face, lock my door. I dont know why. I feel like im afraid. That im trapped. And i still dont want to ask for help. Im dying inside. I am disgusted on who I am. Im a terrible daughter. Having to use Ai for assignments because im not as intelligent i seem. But my siblings. They are so intelligent. No matter how hard i try, im always the last one. Im a failure. Im a liar. Im a terrible daughter, and sister.

i try to contact my ex and people of the past a lot. idk why they give me a sense of security, but they do. they never respond and i text them on text now. i wish they'd love me how i loved them deep down. i wish i had someone to talk about climate change with and how im so scared to die. i want someone to reassure me.

Pedophilia is stupid and I am really pissed in a lot of famous people who groomed children, have sex with children, and gets away with it. And the people who discovered them and turned their pedophilia into “if there is a hole there is a goal.” And “Baby oil.” Truly we as society we both need to protect children, not only that but see predators as depraved perverts who like looking at kids on the internet. Also with AI being so popular now it’s hard which one is an actual CP a deepfake ai video. So I am horrified when child actors, models, whoever gets pictured or in a tik tok video because we don’t know what depraved idiot is going to deepfake their faces. Not only that but CP is so disgusting, no words could ever describe how disgusting CP is and whoever sees it no words could ever describe it. And even if you raped a child. You are in hell, god couldn’t even save you. Nobody would ever save you. No matter how much you say “I didn’t know their age” you knew, you obv knew

I have this "friend" that I've been friends with for ever a year. Every single time we talk, I feel completely drained afterwards. She only ever talks about herself. I really dont ever think shes ever asked how I was doing. I can only remember ONE time where she asked for a life update because I mentioned i was moving and getting a house only because she was complaining about living with her parents still. I'm constantly wishing the conversations would end honestly. I mean, shes a good person I think.. she just only ever talks about herself.. its so draining.. whether its boys or her new favorite song. I'm only writing this because I'm going through a hard time mentally rn and she hasn't even noticed I haven't been posting(we both do content creation) for the last few weeks. I'm so exhausted...

i'm sad and disappointed that i spent money at old navy.. it's bad for the environment and i know that🤦🏾‍♀️ i gave in. trying to fit in. fit in at school and look like everyone else. climate change is going to kill us. i'll be 20 and climate change will kill me. i'm disappointed in myself. i want climate change to never happen. i need to take it seriously. we all should

im so ashamed im so disgusted of myself i used to sell my nudes for free to random guys in chatrooms n discord at first it was just a thing i did once in a while for fun to the same dudes then i started adding more guys n advertising myself on chatrooms i cant even think about how much people have my nudes and ik there’s a guy rn using my nudes to scam people bc i stupidly gave him permission like fml im so dirty n gross

ever since i was 12 my dad n mom would say i dress like a whore, i wear too much makeup, my lashes r too big, my earrings r too big, im too fat, im too skinny my parents only see me as someone to judge not as their daughter who they claim to love so much despite hating me i really do hope my parents pass away what did i ever do to have them as my parents

My father keeps using my attempt as a excuse to why everything in his life is bad. He keeps saying that he had it worse when he was my age, or that they didn't have mental health when he was my age. God, I didn't know people could be this narcissistic.