All Rants

i don't think i can face another school year. i self-harmed last year and had suicidal thoughts. i just thought i'd gotten better recently but i also feel trapped, because every single time i finally feel happy i relapse, and i hate myself so much. i dont realistically see myself making it to the end of this year, and i'm scared

I'm genuinely really scared rn So I used to self harm and I met a therapist for it I stopped after a while and haven't done it in a couple of months I don't know why but I feel like doing it rn and it's making me feel like crying because i know I haven't been in the best place mentally but I thought I was handling it really well

So, I've had this crush on a really cute, kind, and funny guy for over half a year, and it grew to be so big that I decided to tell him. I've never done that before, for anyone! So, on the twenty fourth of June, I wrote a letter to him and handed it to him in the afternoon at the last friday before the end of school, telling him how I felt. I was positive that he liked me back (otherwise I wouldn't have given him the letter), so I was flabbergasted when looked straight into my eyes and told me, "sorry, I not looking for someone." And you know what made it worse? Two of his friends were right next to him when he read it, and one of them was friends with one of my besties! Like, I'm just so, so... sad/mad! But I still can't even hate him!

i have like legit no redeeming qualities :'')) it's hard to imagine myself being liked by anyone (romantically), when i can't even imagine myself liking others. i just don't think i'm "worthy" enough to be liked by anyone and be interested in someone like that. there's this certain mindset of "someone would suit them better than me" i've never experienced any sort of feeling of liking or wanting to be with anyone in that manner and honestly, i don't think i ever will. it's hard to feel confident about myself when all i feel like i do is do things wrong and look like a disappointment looks-wise and personality-wise. :'))

Im really struggling with finding out this year that the person i was closest with for years and years was actually abusive and coercive in all ways you could think of. But, also at 11 they had always been more mature and developed despise being the same age and they are the reason im struggling with cocsa. They did horrible things looking bacj and i just felt like i couldnt say no out of guilt, they manipulated me and now ive got all of this in my head worsening me. I cant see a solution.

i'm so over women who get all sad because the guy they were in a situantionship with didn't want something serious. like, girl, you KNEW it wasn't serious. what the hell? why do you keep expecting more out of these guys when you know they don't want it? why do you keep saying yes when you know you want more? why are you wasting your own time and breaking your own heart? you knew what this was, but then you still want to pretend in your head that it was more???????? if you want more, say no to those guys and only go for the serious ones. the fact that you don't only shows your desperation and that you're willing to sacrifice your emotional happiness for this short term thrill and because "i looooooove him". well, he doesn't love you. he never said this was about love. that's i like about guys sometimes, they are straightforward. but nooooo, it's delulu women who only hear what they want to hear. oh, and "I can change him". ugh. you deserve your heartbreak.

why do i lie to get a laugh out of it. why do i pull pranks that go too far. why do i laugh at others pain. why do i do self harm. why am i a horrible person. should i just die already

I just want the suffering to end.

i have friends but yet im still so alone, everywhere i look, left and right everyones got a 'bestfriend'. Ive got my own trio too but i feel like its breaking apart and i am genuinely starting to feel like peter parker in the new spiderman movie, the guy who still gets up every brand new day to be peter and spiderman despite the troubles he goes through and does not give up, and I want to be like him too but its so hard. when will I ever find my person?

Everyday is just constant fights with my parents and brother I just dont want to do this anymore

I sometimes feel like there's a general impatience now in people. And I see it a lot in drivers. They don't wait anymore. They just want to barrel through, causing only more accidents. They get so much road rage and cause unnecessary harm or death when all that could have been avoided by waiting. It's like patience isn't taught anymore.

I really hope the people who bullied me at school do a Perez. Maybe I should anonymously torment them online again so that they can finally feel some shame about themselves. I'll keep messaging them "when are you going to do a Perez, bully?". I may make a new anonymous account and follow them so that I don't miss the satisfying livestreams. I don't care that we're all nearly 30. It's never too late for consequences, whether you're 30 or 48 or even 103. Watching videos of my former bullies breaking down and harming themselves would make me happier than MDMA, and there'll be no comedown either, I will be permanently ecstatic.

Going to court to allow him to destroy The White House to put in a unwanted and annoying ballroom, is evidence Trump is not a true American following the constitution.

I feel like I put so much effort into the barely hanging on friendships I have, and get none in return. I try to be the one reaching out, keeping conversations alive and all that, and yet no one feels like I myself am worthy of that. Trying to make new friendships is even worse, and I just don't know where to go from here. Sometimes it feels like people want fans more than they want friends, they just want the love and support without having to lift a finger.

The hollow feeling in my hearts gone now, not as in its been filled but more as in im living with it. I need a distraction 24/7, I had summer school, it kept me away from my thoughts. But anytime there's more than a day off, it creeps back.. my stomach hurts. Not as in im hungry, or a stomach bug. It aches for something more than whats in front of me. It turns to the left when I look at my repetitive hair, it turns to the right when I look at my unideal face thats never touched a day of makeup. It churns whenever I see my grades go down, the whole future I have planned out crashing to the ground. What if I can't do it, what if rhe universe doesnt let me do it, what if im not smart enough to do it, what if i can't do anything else after it? It scares me, having to think about everything alone. what is it that I haven't healed from that hurts the hollowness in my heart, making it deeper and bigger every second, what is it that makes my stomach rumble and churn with evrry moving step.

Honestly im starting to feel confused, angry, disappointed, and numb I currently feel like so much is going on in my life and everyday I distract myself from it knowing I have to actually face my problems, make this long story short, I just found out my mom can't afford this house were in and we have to move in with my uncle very shortly, I love my boyfriend I really do I love till the moon and back, but sometimes i feel like I waste his time or be mean to him when I really don't want to put anything on him because he's the best and so forgiving, sometimes I find other people attractive or they might talk to me but like as friends but im to awkward to even want to talk to people because I feel so out of place when im anywhere but home and with my mom and brother but sometimes around them I feel weird, I only have one true best friend and I hope I don't lose her, ik this just sounds like a teen complaining but really I always feel this awkward sadness ever since I was 10.

i just miss them. so so much. like i think theyre still so beautiful and handsome. i could stare at them for hours, with their gorgeous eyes and the way they dress. they even started dressing similar to my style, its adorable. i love them, yet we arent together anymore. it still feels like we are, sometimes i find myself forgetting. it sucks. alot. i wanted to marry them, imagining them in a handsome tux. god i want a life with them so badly. i hope they still feel the same, it feels like they still love me

whenever i feel like i might be doing good mentally again, it just all goes downhill. I try to find things that i like doing, but then my parents take that away from me because they think that i will be better off without it. Sometimes I think that i would be better off without them. it's hard because I still love them. "You know I love you" "You have a very funny way of showing it" Coraline- 2009

my mom is drinking again. i love her so much, but i also hate her so much. i miss the times when she didn't drink. she's always weird when drunk. never violent, but i remember crying one time because she was drunk and squeezed my elbow, which hurt. i was eleven. eleven and crying over my drunk mother. her and my dad used to get into arguments about her drinking in the past. i remember one day my dad found an empty bottle in the bathroom and confronted her about it. today i found out she bought two bottles of smirnoff watermelon vodka. she has fatty liver, and had been clean for so long from alcohol. my dad was deployed yesterday. today i found the two bottles. i'd rather drink them myself than have my mom relapse again.

so i am on a computer right now that i guessed the password at 3 am to so that i could use it at night because my mom took the FAKE PHONE that she bought for me because she doesn't trust me away and i dont have an iPad or anything like that. Here is like one chunk of stuff my mom does... She tells me that i am a disappointment and that she dosnt know what to do with me and just always gets on my nerves and says that i am such a big burden and stuff and she is so mean and then when i do something slightly mean that you could take in a mean way she gives me the silent treatment for like five days and she takes EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME i used to be able to post videos on capcut and had some a few hundred followers and then she took that away which was one of my favorite things to do and i love music and it helps me not do sh and not km and she took that away from me. she thinks she is doing what's best for me but she is literally doing what is the worst for me. so yea there is a little bit