All Rants

the big city scares me. idk if im just being hit by reality or im just really pessimistic but im hella scared. i don't think ive adjusted to this city at all. it gets worse when i look at social media and see everyone doing just fine because they have someone they know going to the same school as them. shiii man it's like an impending doom idk anymore. it's hard to get out of bed too lawd have mercy. maybe i should've stayed at my hometown instead. it's not like i have a big dream. how do i even get over this anxiousness in me..

I was trying to write a note to someone, but the website keeps telling me that I wrote a link, and I'm absolutely sure that I didn't. I checked several times and rewrote it, but to no avail. Does anyone know what the problem is?

I have this friend ive known for 2 months maybe. Every time we play a game on roblox and i say something like no or i dont wanna play that because all i play is the same game, she said you hate me, you want me to die. Its so fucking exhausting because im not an ass like this bitch is pissing me the fuck off so much. Ive never ever know someone or been friends with someone like this and it fells like bull shit. Shes fucking pissing me off to. SHES JUST APAIN IN THE ASS.

most days, i spend almost all day in my room, on my bed, either reading or sleeping. reminds me of high school, when i was most likely super depressed, or at least very miserable and so read a lot of fiction to escape from the realities of my home life. now i try to escape from the reality of my personal life, or lack thereof, by reading online fiction. i don't go anywhere. i don't do anything. i just read. i try to tell myself to at least go outside, go for a walk to get in some physical activity, but more often that not, i can't even make myself leave my room when i'm don't need the toilet. i sometimes feel hunger, but barely have an appetite. i eat because i should, but sometimes it's too much of an effort to go out to the kitchen and get food. sometimes i keep myself in my room because i just don't want to interact with my brother or my mother. i can't stay my dad. i hate that this has become my life. i feel obligated to try to help with my parents, but i hate dealing with them

I think she shud have it if it means nukes etc.

tried working for a bit but struggled still with motivation. my mind still tells me i'm just lazy. a part of me says it's depression, but my judgemental self still tells me i'm just lazy, that that's what's wrong with me, not any kind of mental health issue. i take community college classes now, in subjects that i used to be interested in, but it's become a struggle because somewhere along the way, i lost interest. i don't know how or why. sometime during or just after the pandemic lockdowns, what was so fun to do no longer seemed as fun. it became a struggle to actually go do what i used to enjoy so much. i can't find the energy or interest in languages or dance or botany or geography that i used to have. it's nice to read about and when i see dance videos or neat maps, i still think it'd be nice to learn to do or make that, but then once i stop watching the videos or looking at the maps, i don't feel any motivation to try anymore. and it just feels like laziness

Me and my friend who i have known for maybe about 2 months now were playing a game in Roblox called Murder Mystery 2. She joined in the game mid round as i was playing and well i died. After i had spawned in the lobby i opened the chat and she had typed out 'AHAHA' because i died. i looked at her since she looked at me to so i just left. i fell like i was over reacting but that's just bullshit to say really? Am i wrong because she's not online anymore and i dont know is i should feel bad about it.

those were not good years. then i basically ran away overseas, hoping that different surroundings with spark something in me to try to change or at least get out more. and i did kind of get out more, but only to a certain degree. i didn't manage to make friends, though, because i had a hard enough time socializing even in english, no way i could be better at it in a language i barely had a basic grasp of. then i came home and was a layabout. went back to feeling like a lazy loser. finally somehow managed to get off my ass enough to apply to college again. attended for the first semester, then started failing again because i basically never attended classes. had problems with motivation again. lost my scholarship. managed to struggle through enough to stop failing every single class so i never got suspended, but barely made it out with a passing gpa. finally got my bachelor's. lied to everyone that it was my graduate degree because i never told anyone i dropped out of my first school

everytime i sober up i feel even more horrible and i can never refeel what i feel again, theres no escape from this constant loop but its okay because im reuping tommorow

i don't have my life together. i failed out of college the first time because i almost never went to class, and when i did, i never did any homework. i wasn't going around town, having fun or fooling around. i just never went to class. i barely left my room. it felt like i just had no motivation. i felt like a lazy loser. i still feel like i'm just lazy. i still struggle with motivation. looking back on my (first) college years, i now think maybe i was actually depressed, just not to a suicidal degree. i was mostly a shut in. i dropped out but never told anyone. i lied about it to everyone. don't know if they all believed me, but no one ever questioned me about it or tried to get me any help so either they all didn't realize the truth or they just didn't care. for a few years after dropping out, all i did was work and walk and hole up in my room. i barely ate. some days, i survived on a bag or 2 or m&ms because i felt i need to at least get enough calories, if didn't actually eat meals

08/09/2026. I turned 18 this year, and I’ve never felt more hopeless than now. I don’t have a job; I don’t go to college; I can’t travel; I can’t buy a car; I can’t buy a house; I can’t become a psychologist; I’ll never be someone my parents are proud of; and I’ll never escape the painful truth about how useless I am. On the other hand: I’m still ugly; I’m still overweight; I’m still talentless; I still cause problems for everyone; I still get in the way; and I still distract myself from this agonizing reality that I am never going to get better. I don’t want to make it to 19.

one of the proposed hangouts was to go watch a concert together that she'd said the previous year that she wanted to go see. which is why i suggested it, when tickets went on sale. but when i suggested it, she immediately rejected it, said it was a waste of time, made it sound like a stupid idea, like why would i think she'd want to go? it was kind of crushing. and then she basically ghosted me. like the friendship that i thought we had never actually existed for her. i feel like i always put in so much effort to try to be a good listener, an understanding friend. i put in effort to show i care. but it never seems like i get anything in return from anyone. i don't know why i'm not good enough for anyone, why no one wants to actually be my friend. what am i missing that other people have? how do other people manage to make and keep friends?

then of course there's fh. spent almost every day with her or talking to her for nearly 3 years, then she completely dropped contact for 1.5 years, didn't respond to any texts, then suddenly texted me again and we picked up our friendship again, took classes together and spent all that time together. i listened to her talk about her family and relationship issues, school issues, depression when her brother died, all of that. then we started taking different classes from each other. i kept trying to talk to her, find time to hang out, but she never made any effort, barely responded to my texts, never tried to find time to spend together, never reached out to me first to ask how i was doing, how my classes were going, etc. never. not in all the years we knew each other. never. and then every time i proposed doing something together, she'd just say no, reject all my ideas almost derisively, like why would anyone want to do X, Y, or Z? why would anyone want to waste time with that?

cdr is a bit of that, too. it feels like she only reached out (after 20 years!) because she wanted a travel companion and no one else could make it. jhs feels a bit like that, even though not so much. no contact in over 15 years, and then suddenly an email from out of the blue to ask where i am and what i'm doing, and to mention she's moved to another state (the state we went to college in). except it turns out she moved to that other state 7 years ago and is only now mentioning it to me, 7 years later, because she hasn't given me any thought in over 15 years. i just never even crossed her mind. jhs bothers me less because i guess we weren't that close in college. but still, we traveled together quite a bit, and then we did that international trip in 2009 so it felt like we were friends, even if we weren't besties. i sort of expected a bit more than 1 email in 15 years.

Im really so tired of seeing their faces, especially when I know they hate me yet they still pretend in my face and sometimes treat me like nothing until suddenly im "useful" to them It's disgusting outright and lowkey I just want to abandon the entire friend group and its not like others didnt tell me to... my other friends already told me to just abandon them and honestly only recently I realised they were right. They only make me the worst version of myself and constant reminders of them only made me more toxic which I hated seeing. Its like suddenly I was sucked back to what I didnt want to be and its terrifying I dont want to feel that way anymore. Im tired of that. Im tired of it, so so so tired.

no one cares enough to reach out and ask him how i'm doing, or even what's up. it's always me that has to make the effort. i'm the one that asks what's going on in their lives, how they're doing. i'm the one that tries to keep in touch and find out what they're up to, that asks about their days and how things are going for them. no one ever asks me that. no one really remembers me at all or thinks of me much, if at all. ck was like that with her email asking if i wanted to meet up when she came to town. except that invite came after an explanation that she'd come by last year (i didn't get an email last year) and met up with old friends, so she thought she'd do the same this year except one of the friends she was planning on meeting up with turned out to be unable to make it which was why she was reaching out to me. like, really? you really need to say all that, make it extra clear that i'm the afterthought of an afterthought? that i'm so far down the list, i'm basically a last resort?

It stings being the last choice because WDYM, NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE ON. WHAT THE FUCK AM I? DOG POOP? And don’t get me started when I’m the one getting ignored while you are “busy” but once I’m busy with my other friends you become an attention seeker. AND WDYM, YOU LIKE A PERSON WHO HURTS OTHER HUMANS BETTER THEN ME? DID I TALK SHIT ABOUT YOU, NO. DID I TELL YOU TO “END YOURSELF”? NOOOOOOOOO SO FUCKING EXCUSE ME FOR BEING MAD WHEN YOU LITERALLY ARE WITH DOG WATER PRESTON. HES A BITCH. OMG LEX, GROW THE FUCK UP. BULLYING IS NOT COOL. JUST BECAUSE HES DEPRESSED DOES NOT MEAN HE CAN TALK ABOUT 🍇 CHILDREN, OR K!LL!NG THEM. So why the FUCK did you come crying to me when he wasn’t playing with you. GROW UP. YOUR ASS WAS SO JEALOUS I FOUND LEE,SABBY AND ARI. THEY LOVED ME BETTER AND YOU GOT JEALOUS. You are too much Lex.

i just feel like crying because i have no income right now, i'm living off of my savings, and yet my expenses are increasing (and sooner than expected) because he's increasing them (and sooner than he said he would!) but i can't tell him any of that because he already thinks i'm leeching off him, that he's being generous enough with me (which he is, i'll admit). but still, he makes these promises so i expect things and budget for it, and then it doesn't happen the way or on the timeline i budget for because he's convinced he didn't promise what he did. i feel like there's no one i can talk to about any of this because no one knows the truth about the last 30 years of my life -- how i did in school, what i did in school, what jobs i have and haven't had, what my finances are like, what i'm doing now with myself, how much of a mess i am and my life is, how unhappy and at times depressed i am, how i'm always lonely and feel like i have no friends. because i don't.

then he told me that i wouldn't have to start paying him for the car until september, so when i wrote the check for this month's (august's) rent, i didn't include any car payments because he'd originally said september. but then he came knocking on my door, waved the check at me, and said no, it should be X amount. so i told him he told me september and he said no, it should be X amount to cover groceries and stuff... but that's not what i normally pay him and he's never said i had to start paying additional money for august for anything extra. since he told me i'd start paying more in september because of the car, that's what i expected, that's how i've budgeted but now he's coming at me demanding more for august even though that is not at all what he originally said. i'm so frustrated that he keeps changing what was promised because he believes he didn't promise it. i feel like i can't take him at his word for anything, i have to get him to put it in writing

i'm frustrated with my brother. he promises one thing, but then conveniently forgets and so i seem like i'm a stingy miser because i act based on what he promised me. last time, he promised me $1000 if i opened an account with one bank, and another $1000 if i opened another account elsewhere that he though was good for investing. he even said it was a good deal for me because i'd get $2K for doing something so easy, so i took him up on the offer. i opened an account at the first bank, then another account at the 2nd place. but then he only gave me $1K. it's not what he promised me, but it's not zero so i feel like i can't complain. but it's not what he promised me and i feel greedy for being upset about it.