All Rants

my ex is straight up just going by my name. what the fuck. why.

i rarely catch feelings for someone but when i do they show me why i shouldn't

no i don't wanna be a hookup i wanna be someone's cute gf that gets posted and be in real relationship

can't believe I'm going to middle school in 10 days I'm so nervous.. Any tips to help me on the first day?? -LG

For the longest time, I’ve been letting myself reach a state in which I care about things that shouldn’t have an effect on me, and putting things that determine me as a person aside. I constantly allow myself to be walked all over, let myself fall behind, and stopped putting myself first overall. In life, how you perceive yourself is the most important thing you need to find true value and love, and I lack that. Most people try to distract themselves from problems that are affecting their mood, but I continue to focus on the negatives and let myself wrap around things that make me feel sorrow. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t expect another person to love you. But how can I love myself when others don’t see the value I hold? I allow myself to be used because that's the closest thing to love I’ll ever feel, and try convincing people that I'm more than what they see, but how can they see it if I don’t let myself see it.

I fucking hate my mother istg. earlier this summer she was fucking crying whining and complaining about how we couldn't go anywhere for vacation bc my dad had too much work, like as if he can even control that???. and now. the fucking second we get an invite for some wedding anniversary party she complains that she doesn't wanna go without my dad WHICH IS SO FUCKING STUPID BC WE ACC HAD A CHANCE TO GO SOMEWHERE AND IT WOULDVE BEEN POSSIBLE EXCEPT HER FUCKING TRADITIONALIST MINDSET IS KEEPING US AT HOME. and she's not even traditionalist tf, like she always like oh get a job when you grow up, dont be one of those women that just toils away in the kitchen. and the thing is, the party thing is which this family that I barely get to see and it would've been the first time seeing them in a few years bc SOMEONE (stupid mother) had some petty fight with their mom and fuckign ruined their relations. AND I JUST FUCKIGN HATE THAT BITCH

Im so angry with you Im tired of the lies and being driven crazy by the truths ill never really know.

You viewed my profile the other day on TikTok. It was probably just an accident but it was still kind of a punch in the gut. I look at your pinterest sometimes. I'm still adding stuff to my wedding board. Hope you find that dream partner you're looking for. Crazy how we talked about getting married. Crazy how things never worked out. Crazy that it never does work out. I don't think I could do this a third time. It's better if we never knew each other at all now. I mean, yeah it hurts, but I can't keep loving you and falling out of love when I have you. It's not good for either of us. It's especially not good for you. How's the kid doing ? I hope you're keeping up with their appointments. I hope they're coloring on the tiles and tearing pages out of coloring books still. I hope their fav fruit is still strawberries. I hope they speak more now. (Life is full of hopes.) (ps,Just so you know, I would have had my last name hyphenated. I would have put your last name before mine.)

my gf just broke up with me because of a note I wrote to myself 6 months ago about me being uncomfy with the poly relationship we were in (I said I' don't think im in love anymore) we broke up with the third guy and we're happy until today when we were chilling and she looked through my phone (im ok with her looking she isn't gonna find me cheating or stuff) and she saw that and texted me after. that's not all, all of my friends are on the other side of my school and I have one class once a week with one of them: and on my side is the guy. the guy that asked me to strangle him and had pvrn on his SCHOOL IPAD. who actually jerked it in class behind me. who stabbed me with a pencil (bled by the way) is on MY side and in two of my classes. i know if I defend myself against him it's gonna be my fault but Idgaf, I'll punch him so hard if he comes close ;/ i hate school before it even started and nobody is gonna respond to this so yay!! my last five vents went unnoticed, so that's great

side note pt2? on a lighter note, how do u genuinely just not gaf about anything. like i admire people who are just so chill about everything but still serious when it counts. i kinda wanna have an idgaf approach to all this so i won't be stressed too much. :'))

the big city scares me. idk if im just being hit by reality or im just really pessimistic but im hella scared. i don't think ive adjusted to this city at all. it gets worse when i look at social media and see everyone doing just fine because they have someone they know going to the same school as them. shiii man it's like an impending doom idk anymore. it's hard to get out of bed too lawd have mercy. maybe i should've stayed at my hometown instead. it's not like i have a big dream. how do i even get over this anxiousness in me..

I was trying to write a note to someone, but the website keeps telling me that I wrote a link, and I'm absolutely sure that I didn't. I checked several times and rewrote it, but to no avail. Does anyone know what the problem is?

I have this friend ive known for 2 months maybe. Every time we play a game on roblox and i say something like no or i dont wanna play that because all i play is the same game, she said you hate me, you want me to die. Its so fucking exhausting because im not an ass like this bitch is pissing me the fuck off so much. Ive never ever know someone or been friends with someone like this and it fells like bull shit. Shes fucking pissing me off to. SHES JUST APAIN IN THE ASS.

most days, i spend almost all day in my room, on my bed, either reading or sleeping. reminds me of high school, when i was most likely super depressed, or at least very miserable and so read a lot of fiction to escape from the realities of my home life. now i try to escape from the reality of my personal life, or lack thereof, by reading online fiction. i don't go anywhere. i don't do anything. i just read. i try to tell myself to at least go outside, go for a walk to get in some physical activity, but more often that not, i can't even make myself leave my room when i'm don't need the toilet. i sometimes feel hunger, but barely have an appetite. i eat because i should, but sometimes it's too much of an effort to go out to the kitchen and get food. sometimes i keep myself in my room because i just don't want to interact with my brother or my mother. i can't stay my dad. i hate that this has become my life. i feel obligated to try to help with my parents, but i hate dealing with them

I think she shud have it if it means nukes etc.

tried working for a bit but struggled still with motivation. my mind still tells me i'm just lazy. a part of me says it's depression, but my judgemental self still tells me i'm just lazy, that that's what's wrong with me, not any kind of mental health issue. i take community college classes now, in subjects that i used to be interested in, but it's become a struggle because somewhere along the way, i lost interest. i don't know how or why. sometime during or just after the pandemic lockdowns, what was so fun to do no longer seemed as fun. it became a struggle to actually go do what i used to enjoy so much. i can't find the energy or interest in languages or dance or botany or geography that i used to have. it's nice to read about and when i see dance videos or neat maps, i still think it'd be nice to learn to do or make that, but then once i stop watching the videos or looking at the maps, i don't feel any motivation to try anymore. and it just feels like laziness

Me and my friend who i have known for maybe about 2 months now were playing a game in Roblox called Murder Mystery 2. She joined in the game mid round as i was playing and well i died. After i had spawned in the lobby i opened the chat and she had typed out 'AHAHA' because i died. i looked at her since she looked at me to so i just left. i fell like i was over reacting but that's just bullshit to say really? Am i wrong because she's not online anymore and i dont know is i should feel bad about it.

those were not good years. then i basically ran away overseas, hoping that different surroundings with spark something in me to try to change or at least get out more. and i did kind of get out more, but only to a certain degree. i didn't manage to make friends, though, because i had a hard enough time socializing even in english, no way i could be better at it in a language i barely had a basic grasp of. then i came home and was a layabout. went back to feeling like a lazy loser. finally somehow managed to get off my ass enough to apply to college again. attended for the first semester, then started failing again because i basically never attended classes. had problems with motivation again. lost my scholarship. managed to struggle through enough to stop failing every single class so i never got suspended, but barely made it out with a passing gpa. finally got my bachelor's. lied to everyone that it was my graduate degree because i never told anyone i dropped out of my first school

everytime i sober up i feel even more horrible and i can never refeel what i feel again, theres no escape from this constant loop but its okay because im reuping tommorow

i don't have my life together. i failed out of college the first time because i almost never went to class, and when i did, i never did any homework. i wasn't going around town, having fun or fooling around. i just never went to class. i barely left my room. it felt like i just had no motivation. i felt like a lazy loser. i still feel like i'm just lazy. i still struggle with motivation. looking back on my (first) college years, i now think maybe i was actually depressed, just not to a suicidal degree. i was mostly a shut in. i dropped out but never told anyone. i lied about it to everyone. don't know if they all believed me, but no one ever questioned me about it or tried to get me any help so either they all didn't realize the truth or they just didn't care. for a few years after dropping out, all i did was work and walk and hole up in my room. i barely ate. some days, i survived on a bag or 2 or m&ms because i felt i need to at least get enough calories, if didn't actually eat meals