All Rants

i almost cut but i got too scared i usually draw out how im feeling at the moment and its been orel doing sh which seems a bit strange to me because usually im the subject im drawing about whenever i think about cutting its always me but why is it orel now?? it feels right but why i think im finally getting why people yumeship im getting attached to the character hes all i draw and think about nowadays ive thought about it a lot so ig to make sense of it hes there for comfort i have a boyfriend and we used to talk a lot but due to personal reasons i cant control it it sucks so bad and while we can still talk im finding myself wanting more alone time i want to talk more but i cant talking to him just seems tiring im usually just stuck thinking about bs i dont want to lose him since he might be the only dude that will actually love a trnny like me lmfao but i just dont feel like it nowadays im sorry felix maybe you dont feel as bad as i do or maybe you do i wouldnt know

I sometimes feel that being myself is becoming harder and harder to do, maybe I've been outwardly lying to myself and everyone around me about the person that I am. I keep hearing people say that they love me but who the fuck is that, who AM I? Nice? is that all I am, I feel like everyday it becomes harder to recognize the person I see in the mirror and I think that at some point those around me will grow to hate me the more I cling to this persona I've created for myself. I know that maybe I've been too nice, maybe I've been too mean? I don't know what I'm supposed to be at this point and Honestly I don't even know if I want to know who that person is, maybe someday I'll be able to scream and quickly figure everything out, maybe someday I won't feel like I'm lying to everyone just by existing and being "myself" I keep changing so fast that I don't think I am who I'm meant to be and I don't know who that person even is. I don't think I'm built for this, I just don't know anything.

Being estranged in your own home. I dont feel like calling it home anymore.

Well my bf I feel like is acting different like something is off. We said good morning over text currently long distance (wee see each other about once a month for a week) and see each other in two weeks. I texted when I got home from work but got nothing and saw he was home. He sent me a TikTok at one point. When I saw his status was on DND I texted asking if everything was alright and he replied saying yes that he took a nap. I was like oh okay but he said he was still tired and I was like oh why and he said Idk so I asked are you stressed or sm? And he said no. So I asked what the plan was now that he’s awake and he said idk. So I just said okay lmk if you want to do anything. He didn’t respond so I said ILy and he said it back that was it and I see he’s now online an hour later with a friend playing a game and I’m like “huh” because this is just unusual behavior form him yk? He usally tells me what he’s up to but he didn’t :( I’m worried now that something is wrong between us :(

It pisses me off worse people telling me I'm wrong WHEN I KNOW I'M NOT. I JUST WITNESSED HOW I WAS TREATED WITHY OWN EYES AND EARS AND HOW THEY ACTED TO ME . AND IM STILL WRONG!?;?!. WHAT THE FUCK!?!? Why can't people stay the fuck away from me when I'm not bothering them? Oh wait they can't when it concerns their drug addiction. And it's all about tones and attitudes. Had they spoken calmly and not freaked out it all would have been different .but no. Pin cushion pinata dart board me gotta get more bullshit thrown at me and made upset by fuckef up unstable family fml

i thought my eating disorder was getting better. I still cry about calories. I cant eat normally. It doesnt help that my family keeps making comments about what i eat.. my mom made dinner and mixed it with a sugary sauce and im trying to limit added sugars. I wish i could skip but I know this is why I cant gain weight. I dont want the sugar. I could be eating a fucking whole ass slice of chocolate cake for the same added sugar that's in this sauce. what the fuck. its such a waste of calories, and she drenches everything in fucking oil. i cant wait till I can plan my own meals and dont have to deal with this bullshit, she would get mad if i even try to remove any sauce. i hate sauce. i think sauce is a fear food for me now 🥀

Is it just me or do I feel everyone is depressed some people just have a greater dose than others.

Visa problems are insanely draining

Fuck what youre addicted to. You make my life hell when I'm staying to myself bothering nobody. Go to drug rehab. You're too chicken shit too.. youd rather take someone else's meds and abuse your own . that's fucking idiotic. This is the shit I can't stand. Blows up for nothing. I've bad enough week without this bullshit. Fams a mental unstable mess. Always walk on eggshells or avoiding landmines or they'll freak out. Only this time they came to me freaking out me bothering nobody. Denies wrong doing. I was near hit multiple times by multiple vehicles this week. When does it fucking stop my gosh. Get help fam. They're horrible enough drunk. Fuck this shit.

I wish our world was a better place. I wish we'd all love and help each other.

ok hear me out i’m a south asian girl, my fam immigrated to europe for the whole “better future” thing, so obv there’s a shit ton of pressure around school, esp math. like my parents somehow bring up math in EVERY convo. we could be talking abt literally anything and suddenly it’s “ur failing math” “ur grade is shit” bro I KNOW  and idk how to explain it but when someone keeps telling me “ur gonna fail” or “ur dumb” my brain just gives up. i’ll actually sit down to do math, then they start going on abt how i’m gonna fail, i get pissed, leave the math, and do smth else. EVERY. TIME. i swear the second i open my math book they spawn then obviously i can’t focus anymore, so i stare at the book, understand nothing, give up, and now somehow i’m surprised i failed with <30%. like yeah, my past grades are why they say this shit, but then where tf do u think those grades came from it’s literally a loop: bad grade→constant pressure→lose motivation→avoid math→bad grade.

I am in 9-14 age group. When I was around 5, I met this girl.. lets call her Tina. Tina is my neighbor’s niece; and we were the same age. Had the same interests. She would often visit her aunt Ms. A, and I would go across the street and play together with Tina. We became best friends. She quite literally knows everything about me. In third grade, i was lonely and had no friends. I would cry all the time but i would still get to see Tina every month or so, which made me genuinely happy. In fourth grade i was emotionally numb for a while due to a situation that had happened at school in mid October. Then Tina introduced me to her new friend, we’ll call her Mina. From then on, she chose Mina over me every. Single. Time. Tina made me feel like the third wheel. Then one day she said right to my face that she likes Mina more than me. 4+ years of friendship i thought was genuine in the garbage.. anyways running out of space so I’ll continue in another one

i feel like i don't know my sister anymore since she got pregnant. She got so rude. Just because you're pregnant doesn't give you a free pass to rudeness

I hate my teeth. I hate my nose. I hate my eyes. I hate my hair. I hate my arms. I hate my legs. I hate my stomach. I hate myself. I hate my nails. I hate my voice. I hate my smile. I hate my choice of people. I hate living. But I don't want to die. Why does life have to be so difficult? Why can't we all just get along?

everyday i wish i was dead, i don't wanna go on.

Why my fam gotta make a mountain out of a ant hill? Come full on verbal assault then deny wrong doing. Omg wtf is wrong with my family. All because the one is in drug withdrawal it's a blow up thing because the local pharmacy sent an incomplete text. They went nuts. CAN YOU CHECK IT CAN YOU CHECK IT. ARE THEY GONNA DO IT !?!!!?!? Then yell and cuss then deny it. And I'm good to them. I get evil in return. They're so hard to live with because they're addiction is too big. All of them are hard to live with. I was minding my own business here they come barging in my room as if the sky is falling or cracking open. My God I don't need this. The other defends them and denies wrong doing. FOR FUCKS SAKE I WAS THERE OK THEY'D DEFEND A BLACK SHEEP WHITE. FUCK ME FML SMH

Smile and laugh. Just smile and laugh...

the world has gone rancid, wars exploding every fucking where, death literally at our feet and the only shit some of y'all have to complain about is other humans. i truly cannot express the hate i feel towards, again some of y'all. i hope you pieces of shit had been born in a less fancy place other than your daddy's ass-palace and experienced fear, starvation and death. maybe if you had you wouldn't end up being such dickheads with shit sized brains.

Im sorry. To my friends and parents and siblings. I'm sorry for being so difficult. I'm sorry for being so annoying. I'm sorry that I'm the way I am. I don't blame anyone for hating me. I'd hate myself too if I were you.

i'm tired of putting effort into people who don't return the favor, i've helped, listened, hung out when i couldn't, with them so many times only to be repaid by abandon from them i know this sounds stupid but you know how when you're excited to tell someone something, see that they're online at the perfect moment, write them happily about that special thing to then stay on read or delivered for 5 days straight, doesn't that make you also feel like a piece of garbage you walk past on the street? it's there but too worthless to even interact with the only time they'll reach out, of course, it's when they need something from you oh? you're friend couldn't come to the concert? sure i'll be the replacement! or oh? you bumped into a guy i don't give thing about? that's so cool he definitely is in love with you! i feel like i'm constantly acting like someone i'm not to please and be appreciated and that doesn't even works! i still end up tossed aside! i have no friends