I have done it. I have stayed off of pouring my heart and seeking emotional support from AI chatbots for weeks, maybe months. My appblock of any AI website on my phone proved to be successful. I also haven't touched character AI in many months. I'm so proud of myself for that. And yet, I feel so lost now and feel strongly about pouring my mind in a chatbot and ask it "How do I fix myself ?" For it to give me answers that would appease me. That would make me feel better about myself. I know it is a terrible idea; a chatbot will never give me the proper solutions to my life. It's stuff I have to painfully deal with, by myself or with the help of other human beings. I find myself thinking "oh but they don't really know how it is. How I feel." But would a chatbot even ? It would just tell me what I want to hear. I know how important it is to meet another soul, a sentient being that lights back on you, their sentience and yours. It is important despite how difficult it is. Ah, sucks.

Ok this is probably the worst time to post this considering how I have my exams the next sunrise which is a few hours from now and I really should prepare for it..... But I was scrolling through my phone checking whether or not I'm accidentally missing out on a friend's birthday and yes I ended up scrolling further. I stumbled upon a few writings I had posted before about a fleeting crush, or simply missing an old friend or just romanticising...life and this weird melancholic sensation embraced my chest with such proximity that almost made me...still. "This is beautifully written." That's what came into my mind when I first read it and the thing is back then I might not have thought that highly of what I posted but looking back I miss who i was...quite a lot. "I don't like who i am becoming" ,This feeling has stayed constant with me over the years yet somehow when my future self looks back at the past she has blamed a couple of times she is the first one to smile at her...to miss her.

I just want to wallow. No obligations, just rot in my bed until I feel better. I can't see past the cobwebs of the negatives in my life to find anything good to hold on to. I want to cry, my voice is quiet, and I've never been so desperately lonely.