I’m so lost. I’m just a person in a world of 8 billion people and I’m nothing special. I don’t want to be great or famous I just want to not feel horrible all the time. I thought my meds were helping but it’s bad, it’s so bad I can’t take it. I’m back to that time where I’m just depressed but I can’t be so I refuse. I’m not “pushing through” or “staying strong” I’m running from my dread and if I don’t keep pushing it back and keep my momentum I’m going to fall back. I remember feeling like a zombie on my other meds. It was horrible but at least I didn’t feel. I didn’t feel anything at all. Not happiness nor sadness. It’s a trade off. Either I feel really good than really bad or I feel nothing. I don’t know which one I want. I don’t want either. I can’t just stop. Not like two years ago when I went away. I don’t have time for that anymore. I have things to do. I can’t take the time to go away again and it wouldn’t make me feel better anyway. Sometimes I think about leaving completely.