People have told me for years that things will get better, and they never do. Maybe they do for a while but then I end up having the most painful experiences. The pain that I feel is so overwhelming, I try my best over and over again and I’m not one to blame things on some kind of higher power- I’ve been an atheist since before I was a teenager- but more and more it feels like this has to be some kind of punishment. It feels cruel, and I know logically if I were to tell someone that they’d say that’s not the case and that I can’t think that way. I feel like I’m surviving and not rlly living, just going through stages of numbness and deep depression over and over. Even when I feel brief moments of happiness it just never lasts. I keep trying to figure out if I’m a lost cause and that I’m just kidding myself and dragging myself towards a future with more pain in it.