I don't understand why I'm thinking and doing so horribly again. It's been so long since something really bad happened to me yet I'm still feeling so icky and can't get out of my stupid head space. And I know that what I'm thinking isn't true or exaggerated, but it feels like I can't think of anything else without it sounding/feeling like it's forced. It's like a constant argument between wanting to make things worse for myself so I have an actual reason to think and do these hurtful things to myself or just allowing my brain to think these things so I can be selfish and die. I feel so self-centered for doing this and for doing the things I do to my body, but they feel like the only way I can stop thinking and process what's going around me for a moment. I guess this is why I'm always being called clumsy or forgetful because I never want to think. I hate myself and my brain for doing these things to me but who else is there to blame?