I keep telling myself to “hold my your own hand” and “pat your own back.” Because I have nobody in my life expect my mom, and yes my friends but it feels so much different from family love. I don’t like to rely on others, other people can feel hurt by me and I can get hurt by others, so I just don’t. I can’t rely much on my mom either since she’s mentally unwell and just not in my life because I live with my dad. So to stop myself from just ending it, I tell myself that I’m what will help me, that as long as I have myself I can try to stand tall, but I can’t help but doubt that. I want to cry to someone instead of alone in my room, where I can cry to someone without fearing that I might make them worried or scared, where I won’t feel so damn afraid that they would leave me if they didn’t see a perfect smile on my face as if I’m holding it all together with no problems at all. Please let me seek out someone’s comfort without feeling afraid! But I know that won’t happen, I’m too scared.