No relationship fulfills me and I’m too scared to seek out what I really want. I hate myself for being different. I hate how anything that isn’t a standard vanilla relationship is taboo, and I’m terrified of being seen as a freak. I hate this. There’s a very deep longing in my heart that is always there. Sometimes I pretend that I have someone just to make it go away, but it’s only temporary. I’m jealous of all of the people on forums that have what I want. I’ll never be able to have it because I’m too afraid of writing the word and seeing it in association with myself. I wish I could have fulfillment from normal relationships. I wish I didn’t have to feel so different. I want it so bad. I hate being a submissive. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable. I’m scared of it too.