i don't like to think this way and i say i'd never do something rash because of my family and how i have much to live for but i dont know how long i can really survive being trans without affirming care. its so out of reach for me. Sometimes i just feel like i should die. i've been cutting not as attempt but to see the marks and feel the pain so i can externalize it so it doesnt spin in my head all day. i feel tremendous guilt because i had always promised my family i wouldnt do it. i am safe but just mentally really not in a good place. i feel desperate but there's nothing to direct that onto. i wish i was a woman. i hate being a trans man. i hate being a man. but i can't pretend to be a woman my whole life
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