People don't understand that I'm at least more pent up than I should be but I have to act completely normal at all times, lest I be upsetting at bear minimum but because my home environment doesnt give space for my pent up ass to even self care for it which im sorry but no I need someone... I just wish I could lose all inhibitions and be able to be basically a stress toy. I'm sick of being alone in utilitarian family land. Sick of being the dependable without any true way to care for myself. I tried meeting people and I get I caused problems, my fault as it normally is but maybe fucking understand I can't do better because I've no fucking option. At least this form of suffering is in earnest unlike that crap red pill philsophy garbage. Im tired. So, tired.