I don't know what I want anymore!

I'm so tired of always feeling like a failure and feeling like I have to fake it to everyone I know. Everyone around me thinks I graduated from college while ive been failing to finish the few classes needed to graduate. Every year ive taken classes that make me feel like a failure and a fake while everyone else I know is being successful and moving on in their life. And because I havent gotten work yet, every conversation with my parents is about work and I just want to never hear about a job ever again. I need to figure out how to get out of this house and making money. I feel like every decision ive made to finish something myself has snowballed to the point that I cant do anything in my life anymore. Nothing brings me joy other than doing things with my friends, and its been this way for years.

I am so goddamn jealous of those without the weight of mental illness. Those who see the world through a lens of clean glasses, those with the capacity to believe that one day after the other will bring them some sort of happiness. I look around at my relationships with Hazel and Harper, and I am so goddamn jealous of it. Why is it so natural for them to just talk to one another? Why can it not be with me? I need to feel validated. She is not picking up my texts, how rude. What a fucking bitch. She will pick up for anyone in an instant, but nooo, not me. Prickly bitch. I hate her, stupid cunt. I wish she would die. I need that innocence, that connection. I am so tired of the desperation. I need to be kind to myself, and realize that maybe she just doesn't want to be my friend like that. That hurts like shit, just please tell me so I can bear it a little better. Its not my fault that she treats me like this. I guess I will be just fine. I need to focus on myself. Only myself. Love me.