I can’t look at food the same way, and im scared I never will be able to again, but i also want to stay like this. Why do i have to starve myself to make myself happy? Will I ever be able to eat food without being scared or be able to get the calories out of my head?I can’t cry. I really, really want to but I just feel like I can’t. Im not scared of death anymore. I don’t want to kill myself, but if I got hit by a car tomorrow I wouldn’t care. The only thing keeping me alive is weight loss. I’ve lost ten kilos and noones said anything. Why has no one said anything? Was it all worth it? I feel the biggest I’ve ever felt but im so much smaller. I want to be loved so badly but when someone says they love me I don’t believe them, and I feel my family only love me out of obligation. I just want someone to love me. I want control. That’s what I did it all for. I’m sick of being there for everyone. I just want people to know that im suffering as well.