i was rereading a comfort book just now, and i realized that i was so jealous of the main character in the book because it's the whole "found family" trope. it's so clear that the characters in the book care about each other. i don't feel like anyone in my life loves me like that. the specific scene that replays in my mind is a scene with a hug. it feels like my skin aches because i want that so desperately for myself. sometimes i imagine myself as that main character in my head and the other characters comforting me. it's weird as fuck, i know, but it's one of the only things that keeps me sane at this point. i've indulged in escapism to the point where the fictional world feels more real than reality to me. occasionally it'll hit me that the fantasy in my head is just that- a fantasy- and it wrecks me every time. i don't know how to live normally anymore. i just want someone to love me, or give me a hug. they could kill me afterwards and i wouldn't even care. thanks for listening