I don't wanna go to school anymore, my heart aches, I can't do this anymore, I'm so scared, and my step dad hates me, I can't do my routines in this state anymore. I can't search for help because it makes me look stupid

I can't see myself being friends with anyone ever again, not out of hatred for anyone or being unable to socialize, i just find it very unnecessary. It hasn't ever bothered too much for the time being, I've never been one to have many friends. I've often been excluded, since I was a child I never had many friends which I found strange, I used to be very sociable and passionate about my interests. I was never scared to initiate conversation. I've come to think that perhaps I came off as off putting? Eventually I grew to become very reserved and quiet which didn't help, however it gave me time to reflect. Overtime I found myself coming to peace with this, every time I was friends with someone it was okay, we would laugh and converse however i realized it was something i wasn't seeking any longer, it felt boring to say the least. It's been a year since i cut myself off from every friend i've had and i've never felt better, I can only hope this peace of mind remains for the time being...

Another day passes, yet I feel empty inside. I've already failed the people around me, the expectations they had now gone. I looked around, and I'm anything but normal. I got no purpose other than to be a failure at every point of my life. It seems as if I did this to myself. My family isn't great at supporting me, not that I want it anyway. I want love, but I can't have it. I'm stuck in a hole I never thought I'd fall in. I don't see potential or worth in myself, I'm barely passing by in my daily life. I'm likely being dramatic. I'm certainly grateful for what I have, but I'm missing a part of me. A part I lost years ago. Regretting the days that I wronged. I can't change them; they will forever affect me. As much as I hate myself, I can't hate others. It feels so wrong to be mean. I guess people don't see that when they do it to me. I know people have their own problems in life and things to worry about, but am I that worthless?