I wish I wasn’t so stupid. People always need to have extra patience with me because I can be socially slow but it just feels like I’m dragging people down by it. I’m smart book wise I guess but socially I’m horrible. Yeah sure its what emotional neglect, bullying, and social isolation does to a person but I just feel like I’m built wrong. I’m so tired of pulling others down, I’m just tired in general. I miss feeling loved. I miss feeling like I mattered. I know I don’t and haven’t mattered in a long time but I wish I had at least something there for me. I relapsed today. I hit my arm till it hurts a lil much, maybe it’s not relapsing cause it’s not as bad as all that other stuff. Maybe I’m just overdramatic. Maybe I deserved to go through that shooting and maybe I deserved all those abusive partners and whatnot. Maybe I deserved to live for a fleeting moment and die by tomorrow. I’m tired, with never a single break in my whole fucking life.