Today I realized that the "Old" me I have spent 2 years reforming is neither that old, or that out of sight, I have changed I know that for a fact, however "he" is still there, craving validation, clawing and scratching at what I have built, waiting for a chance to swap places with me, Its honestly a terrifying thought, things Ive sworn off, people I have cut off, and god awful sins I have attempted to redeem, all waiting just below the surface for another chance at fresh air. Yet, this is better, I both believe it is and am actively convincing myself that it is, better alone than in bad company, better on edge of relapse than relapsed, better a honorable attempt, than an intentional spiral, the attempt is what matters, slip after tumble, bruise after after broken bone, I now know I will never be truly clean, but if I am held accountable, by god or my mirror, at least I can say that I tried. An honorable man that dies alone in a forest, is still an honorable man.