I could say "well, I didn't even see what was going on behind the scenes". I didn't know. But, I openly bragged about being disgusting as part of some rebellious image. I can identify with other disgusting people and just dwell at the bottom of the barrel. I'll be watched a lot more carefully if I just opened up about it. It seems frivolous because I'd then just spiral off into pity. I don't know if anything can be sorted out. I like where I'm going. It may be fake to others, it may seem inauthentic, but the road I was on before was dying. I couldn't live like that. I couldn't live with no stimulation whatsoever. It could be a lot worse, but it's still pretty bad because it happened again and again and again and I can just imagine what I look like when I'm never let out again for being so sick. I know it's exactly the type of man acting like an animal that I criticised myself because it's easy to assign outside labels to this. I did want to feel different. I wanted to feel big.