i feel so disgusted with my own self because of a mental condition and compulsion i can't control i hate not noticing when i start gnawing at my fingers i hate how red the tips of said fingers are i hate biting the skin on the inside of my cheek and feeling how uneven the skin is now i hate my mouth tasting like blood all the time and i hate hate HATE not being to stop after the fifth time i promised myself i would i can't even get a diagnosis. i don't want to. everybody will think i'm nasty and they'll hate me. were this place not anonymous, i wouldn't write this down at all. it all seems so shameful to talk about. the last time my parents saw the damage i did to my foot, my mother yelled, yelled, yelled again and even threatened to throw me into a mental hospital (those places are horrible in my region, dehhumanizing) and i just know she doesn't understand at all. i'm sorry this is probably so self centered i hate it so much.