my first suicidal thought at at 8 years old after my mother was angry with me again I thought that she didn’t deserve to have a child that made her so upset, she shouldn’t have to put up with me I have attempted suicide numerous times since that thought; 10 years later, my most recent attempt had been last year. I kept thinking after every try-people need me alive but I don’t want to be. People are selfish. Why can’t I be happy? Why does it seem like the only sort of “comfort” and convincing people make for me to stay is for their sake. How horrible they are for caring more about their desire for my life than my relief I crave for release. I was given pills to subside these thoughts-and for a few months I felt numb. Not unsuicidal but, just not thinking about it anymore. I don’t think I’ll attempt again. I’ll try to live But I still can’t help but wonder what will happen if I tried one more time. what if I succeeded I don’t want to die-but I still don’t care about living