I can go days without showering despite how disgusting it is, I don't mind how it feels or how I look, how oily my hair becomes despite wanting to keep myself presentable I always wonder whether people talk behind my back If they talk about how I'm too noisy, too blunt, or how dirty I seem because I never wear anything different, or because of the layer of grease my hair covers itself in Or with my sister telling everyone she knows about how dirty my room is, why can't I clean it? Why don't I have the energy or motivation? It's disgusting and I know it's disgusting, everything about me is, yet I can't bring myself to fix it I can't bring myself to learn how to do makeup, to learn to dress properly, but I want to, I really want to. So why can't I? I shouldn't have to force myself to do stuff because I'm scared of the outcome I shouldn't have to force myself to apply to universities to see what my future is