God I wish i sucked it up and didn't complain about some stupid list. I don't know if i can like to see my best friend cry because she got what i wanted but wanted more. I cant see my best friend cry over me because I said this might be the time I do it. I feel so selfish. It's so hard to know how to feel when nothing is ever as expected. Hearing my best friend cry for the first time makes me feel like an idiot. Im so greedy to belittle myself I can't even see how much he cares. I couldn't even look him in the eyes while he cried. I want my story to end but I have to keep writing it for them. I cant have him crying over the sad ending I had full control of. I cant have her lose it again because her friend was feeling a little depressed. It's so hard to draw everyone in while now believing in your own future.