I hate my family so I don't know why I desperately want them to see me. Any time an issue had ever been brought up they look and act like I'm crazy or fucking stupid. Im supposed to just put my head down and be there. For awhile I was avoiding family functions. Partially for some dumb ass drama shit, that honestly im not innocent in. partially because I just didnt want to for everybody else too. I would periodically get someone acting confused or concerned. In my head all I could think was "shut the fuck up!!!" Because where is any of that when im isolated, ready to kill myself, being taken advantage of by a grown ass man. Maybe I take this shit too heavy, I don't know. I just hate being part of a big family unit. Maybe I'm insanely insecure, and I know I need to work on that. But where is the accountability for all the adults and older cousins, siblings who were complicit in helping build that? I was always just an autistic fucking loser for them to take out frustrations on