I've hooked up with 2 of my closest friends. I fear I may have fallen in love with both of them at the time, but I have such a weird relationship with love that I could have never had anything, with either of them. I can't say "I love you" back, I can't express what I feel properly. I end up just trying to show how I feel in ways that feel half-assed and cowardly. They probably are. I'm too scared to actually commit to a relationship. I want to look back at the time fondly, but it feels so bitter, too. To pretend it didn't happen. As if the closeness we had was never there. And I can't complain, either, I specifically ask for noncommittal stuff. Make out sessions. Cuddling. Only in private. Only we know. The moment a serious relationship comes into discussion I start distancing myself. How can I want so much, and not want at the same time? I feel like a horny piece of shit. They both have long term partners now. I still think about what could've been. We're still friends. Not as close.