I want to kill myself. For about 5 years I've thought about it on and off. Every time I think I'm finally getting better I spiral again, and it's not even like I plan it out or anything. I know I won't do it but it's almost like it's all I want. I spend money on things I don't need to try and force myself to become someone new and plaster over all the little cracks in my face with new clothes and makeup and bags. I'm doing well in school, I have a great job that pays me amazingly, but I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for a long time. I'm making up for things I've never experienced with meaningless material objects and praying they hold the same weight. I've tried everything, I eat healthy and I take care of my body and I try to take care of my mind. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I only drink water and coffee. But it's never enough. I've put the rope around my neck and every time I've taken it off and sighed. I won't ever do it, I just want to hop off the carousel of life for a min.