back again. the third year college student here. It's nearly four AM and i can't sleep because i've just been lying in bed crying. i want to change. i want to be likeable to have friends so im not lonely anymore. but i feel like nothing works. am i really that undesirable? i feel so disgusting and ugly. maybe thats why i have no friends and never had a significant other. i wish i was pretty/beautiful/decent looking. i wish i had friends. i wish that someone wanted me. i wish it was easy to change myself for the better. i wish for so so so many things.

i get degraded by everyone i know. i lost most of my friends. only co workers and like 2 other people i knew from highscool. they treat me like im a kid. like im dumb. like i dont matter. but because of that, i see myself dissing on others to make me feel better about myself. i need help. i want to be more humble in life. i miss the old me. i want my old life back. this one isnt working for me. i need fixing. i want a restart. i wanna end all of this because im tired. but i dont. im scared to end it. im scared for my family. i dont want it to seem like im attention seeking. im scared what people will think. do these people think im deserving of equal treatment, or do they see me as just a tool. convenient and there when needed. but what about me? what if i need help? who will be there for me? im scared to talk about my feelings, because im scared what others might think. thats why i keep quite. so no one has a chance to say what they think about me. i hope life gets better. for me.

i try to be like my friends so im not the weird one but one of them says im the weirdest since i play dandys world, cookie run kingdom , horror games and more is she a bad friend or am i really just weird?...