Rant #11641

whenever i get upset i don’t know what to do and my first instinct is to just feel pain, so i hit myself, or i cut. i just need to feel some kind of pain because ive learned the physical pain is better than emotional pain, or its easier to understand or handle than the emotional pain, i sometimes wonder if abuse is what taught my brain to expect that, because it’s usually after arguments that i get the urge. but idk