I had a dream I had the perfect life an hour ago. In it, I made amends with people I wronged, made new connections, and finally felt at peace for once. When I woke up, I didn’t know how to feel. It makes me want to kill myself and motivate myself at the same time. I always had fantasies of escaping, and I do escapism a lot. But now after that dream is done I feel so hollow. It’s still really goddamn hard to get better though, because I don’t believe I deserve these things, people, or time. Occasionally, I get suicidal thoughts whenever I do something even remotely wrong. But I don’t know. I don’t think I want to live like this anymore. I don’t think I want to feel this immense self hatred anymore. I don’t want to ghost everyone to wallow in self pity. I just hope when I go back to sleep, I won’t forget that. Jesus and now this makes me want to rewatch Bojack Horseman