I 'm scared of isolation. It 's been my worst fear ever since I was a child, yet I do it to myself all the time—especially in school. I don 't know why I do it. I have many friends at school, but I tend to back away or shy away the minute more than one person talks to me. Even when it comes to my friends. I wonder if people notice when I avert my gaze away to look at what 's around us, or if they realize that I 'm a very self–isolating person from just a glance. I can 't stand talking to people sometimes. Maybe that 's why I do it. I can 't help it. I 've tried to be selfless just to make others comfortable, but I think in order for me to be selfless, I first must be selfish. So I should go. I don 't want to talk to anyone anymore. I can 't do it. It 's disgusting. There 's no grass in heaven, so the least I can do it try and bring a fistful with me if I end up killing myself. Maybe they 'll plant it there, and anyone else who dies will be less afraid. Who knows ? Cause I don 't.