They all know me as the jolly one. I'm the loud laugh. The "don't worry, we got this". The one with the stupid colorful shirt who always has a story. It's easier that way. If I make you laugh, you don't ask how I am. If I'm the one lifting everyone, no one notices I'm the one sinking. I'm not lying when I smile. I do feel happy sometimes, in flashes. But right after, there's this weight. Like I'm smiling so hard my eyes start leaking, and I have to pretend it's just because I'm laughing too much. I wanted to say this without a punchline for once. I'm tired. Not the kind of tired sleep fixes. The kind where you are tired of being "on." Tired of being the strong, funny one because you're scared if you stop, there will be nothing left to like. I'm still here. I'm still jolly. But inside, I'm crying and I have been for a while. And I just needed one person to know that both things can be true at the same time.