I am in a slump. I can't make myself be disciplined. I can't even imagine myself being disciplined. I have been struggling with loss of memory, attention deficiency and low self-esteem. I have been trying understand and get past it by trying to write about it, watch videos, articles, read books but end up not solving it and getting stuck and frustrated. So, I end up playing games or doomscrolling social media.

i didnt get into leadership. but my friend did. im not jealous but it feels so wrong. she barely put any effort into her essay while i worked so hard to finish it and make it amazing. it’s all because she has connections with the leadership teacher. im really bummed out bcz i thought this would be a good opportunity to show that i have what it takes to be a leader. and yes my friend is amazing and she’s a natural leader but it kinda hurts you know. to lose an opportunity you tried so hard for to another person who didn’t really try. and it hurts sm because they said i have good qualities that could make me a good leader but it was just a mass email…so what if i super close to getting in but the slots were taken….or what if i was just rejected because my essay and application wasnt even close to standards….or what if it was good but my teacher recommendations tanked it….or what if they thought it was ai because i can use dashes properly….so many things in my control that i couldve fixed

I have been feeling so burnout from school that I want to kms, i cant handle high school anymore, i hate every second of it, i thought it was going to be great during the first quarter but it went to shit quickly, my grades dropping, losing my focus even though im on meds for my adhd, and I lost all motivation for even subjects I usually love. I hate my whole life now, but im too scared to tell my family because they have said it was a phase before when I had mental breakdowns and I havent told them that I have attempted before....I dont to be lazy anymore, and i want to be happy, but even with my friends it feels so suffocating, I cant handle basic bad news anymore. I hate myself so much. I have become so bitchy and mean and I hate it. How does anyone even love or care for me when I push everyone away, and I cry everytime I talk about something even remotely upsetting. I HATE MYSELF AND I AM SUCH A GODDAM LAZY IDIOT. honsetly i might just do it....kms idk im so done.