I'm so sick of feeling as though I've got to perform for an audience, that nothing I do ever matters because it's not aesthetic enough to the audience. I've faked my views, I don't know what I actually believe most of the time. I fake insight to get ahead, but I can't compete with high schoolers who had a better education than me. I just never listened, despite the opportunities being there. I feel hopeless because I can't get back what I lacked in the past. I have to struggle forward, but I feel like I shouldn't; I want to be deprived because torturing myself makes me feel "good", as crazy as that sounds. I can't just accept that other people are better, which is why I'm condescending to them.