i'm anorexic. i want to recover because i miss eating my favourite foods and being able to choose food based on flavour rather than calories and i want my parents to be happy, but i don't want to recover because i like my underweight body more than my healthy one and i feel like i'm not thin enough to be valid yet and i'm petrified of gaining weight and i like how people worry about me and care about me more when i'm sick. i don't know what to do. doctors and therapists have done little to help me. my parents, especially my dad, have been the only people to even put a dent in my ED, and i have a feeling they're the only people who really care about me. i want to recover. i just don't want to let go of such a huge part of my identity. i want to say 'fuck it', go to my kitchen and eat all the junk i can find, but i know i'd regret it to the point of injuring myself. i've been stuck in this limbo for years and i fear i'll never get better.